genuinely
<<January 21, 2004 - Wednesday, 6:04 pm>>

i opened up. finally. somewhat.

and he said:

"I think that's the most genuine thing you've told me since we started."

and i giggled.

and my brain said to him: "thank you for noticing."

it wasn't easy. and he asked me if i was scared. and i admitted i was.

i felt like a little girl. all cutesy-wootsy. and squirming.

he said we'd be heading for scarier waters. and i don't doubt him. it was exciting. it was terrifying. i had to restrain myself from getting choked up. at the same time i felt like being more silly.

my spirits were higher as i faced the outside world. i wonder if people can smell the difference between a tortured soul, and one on its way to inner peace, or something like it. because people were friendlier. they talked more to me, and i to them. and i was playful. i even found myself a smoking buddy at work today. and i was offered a mutual cigarette-bumming program. anytime i'm out, ask him. anytime he's out, he'll ask me. what a system. what a pal.

~*~

i figured out the reason i keep an online journal, though.

i think i keep writing in the hopes that someday, someone out there, might actually know me in the end. because, very few people do.

if any.

letting people know me...

it's the one thing i want. and the one thing that terrifies me the most.

LJ

step back - push forward

dearcynthia}}




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