it took her 45 minutes before she realized she can't sleep.
way too many things on her mind.
and it's always fun to talk about yourself in the third person.. ;p
i guess i should've been warned about today when i cut myself shaving, on my toe, and all the toilet paper and band-aids in the world wouldn't get that bitch to stop bleeding.
the day at work went well enough. except for the part where i was dreading what i might be doing that evening. an engagement that i let myself be suckered into. out of curiosity, mostly. but it was well outside my comfort zone. perhaps that sounds worse than it is. but really, the scary part, for me, would be going to a comedy club all by my lonesome.
but.. surprise, surprise.. they wanted me to come in to work early the next day [that being today now] for some "cross-training".. and plus, whilst meandering around on the internet at work when there was no work to do, i discovered i completely forgot about doing some assignments that i thought were due yesterday [meaning i had to work on that shit ASAP]. lastly, i was completely drained by the end of the day - some mostly sugar-free brownies did it to me i think - and so there i had 3 good excuses for not going out tonite.
but when i get home, i get a call from an old buddy who's still on campus. he wanted to stop by. this would usually involve engaging in random naughtiness. but i somehow maneuvered my way around to avoiding it, and it instead turned into a downloading and burning session on my computer [music], and dinner at Boston Market. Because we were both starving after all that hefty downloading, must be.. And then when I dropped him back off at his car he kept thanking me. That was different. That was nice.
so then when i get back from that, i see a message on my machine from another buddy. drinking, cigarette-smoking, movie-watching buddy. i used to like this guy. i call him back, he asks me to come over. i say i'll leave in 10 minutes. but before those 10 minutes are up, and i'm just about to walk out the door, the phone rings. i almost ignore it because i think it's unimportant. but it's him again, and he says - while apologizing profusely - that "something just came up." something he has to do for someone and now's the only time he can do it. i took it as it was given to me, didn't think much of it. 'till much later. like now. when the self-doubt creeps in. and i think to myself things like, "oh crap, did i say something earlier to make him want to blow me off..?" i thought maybe i was acting a bit too cocky in our earlier conversation. i worry about things like that sometimes.
okay, all the time.
*shrug*
and.. *sigh*... i guess i'm getting depressed about these superficial "friendships." like, sure it's all fun when everything's good. but, uhm.. in the bad times.. when i've got things worrying me.. who do i have to talk to, then? i'm sure none of these people would care. i'm sure they'd shy away saying they don't know much about it. every so often, there's a hint of some kind of connection that can be made with the drinking buddy mentioned earlier. like.. he told me about how, in social situations, he feels like he doesn't really connect with people. and sometimes he thinks they can read his thoughts, so then he tries to control his thoughts to protect against it or whatever. interesting stuff, things like this.. but i don't pursue it further.. because.. i dunno.. don't want to be an intrusion..? always afraid of that..
as if i'm not worthy -or it's forbidden- to share innermost feelings with anyone.. be it, hearing theirs.. or confessing mine..
but, uhm.. the thing that takes the cake for today was a long drawn-out painful discussion with an old best friend. something that may well have been avoided if i hadn't cancelled on someone, or someone hadn't cancelled on me. but i suppose, either way, i was supposed to be home for this. so i know why i haven't had any patience to talk to him at all this week. it's because any conversation with him would leave open more room for him to berate, bash, beat down, or otherwise eat away at my self-esteem. so i was able to get this out.. and a lot more.. and he had his things.. and he's so wishy-washy with me. "i want to be friends", but then half hour later "i don't want to be friends." and how am i supposed to stand on any stable ground with this kind of stuff..?
in the end, i think we achieved some sort of middle ground. at least to "try." even if to at least have a pleasurable few weeks that may very well end up in some kind of closure. i just hope it can be amicable.
it was a hard night..
and i'm still not done with everything on my mind..
so i'll be losing an old best friend.. even if it's not the most healthy friendship in the world.. it's still a sad thing. and, well, my "home girl." my best girl-friend.. she hasn't been online. so i haven't had her to talk to. she keeps me sane, i love her so much. i think a virus probably killed their computer.. :/
ah well.. and there's more to worry about. i didn't get those assignments done. but it's not actually due till Saturday. so maybe i can still do it. and if not, it won't kill me *that* much. 2 points. i know i'm gonna ace the exams already. it's dreamweaver! html! i KNOW this shit! and the javascript.. i soaked that bitch up like a sponge. and coldfusion is, like, a gajillion times even more interesting for me to learn. so.. none of it's a problem.
and, uhm.. lying in bed earlier.. eh, an hour ago now.. i was thinking.. maybe it's good for me to be going back home in a month. get away from all this. regroup. i dunno.. have things simpler.. and, uhm.. in the fall, i'll be going back to a whole different part of miami.. never to see these people again..? my co-workers.. that's very sad..
i'd almost like to just.. work forever at FIU. that's what drinking buddy did.. didn't graduate. stayed working at the library. now he's 31. he was married, got divorced. lives in hole-in-the-wall. no car. not even money for cable.
*shrug*
ha.
better things will surely come my way..
LJ