Ever wake up and feel like you opened your eyes to the world as a completely different person? Almost as if you traded souls overnight? Or maybe.. all the yesterdays were a bad dream and you've finally woken up? Or.. maybe you fell into a deeper level of sleep instead..
At any rate, something feels really different when this happens. YOU feel different. And you look around at all the people you've become familiar with and ponder to yourself why are they acting this way, the same way they've always been acting. Don't they know you feel different? And then, are you supposed to keep on with the story.. just to avoid any big conflicts or disruption in harmony..? or just because you're simply supposed to..? But what if you wake up next week the same person you were yesterday? How do you avoid starting another story when, next week, you want to pick up where you left off with the first one? What do you do when you start teetering off into parallels and you can't keep track anymore...?
I dunno.. I'm like this weekly. I go hot and cold just like that. One day I'll love you, the next day I'll hate you. I guess I am a hugely emotionally-driven person. But my emotions are so unpredictable and unreliable that.. well, it's hard to keep track. It's hard to say out loud that I feel one way today when I know that chances are I will feel the exact opposite tomorrow. For this reason, I can't really commit to anything. I mean, I might say things that might be binding just to get through the day, but I'm not really paying attention to them. And it's rare to get my heart and soul to commit to something. And even if I do get that far.. it can dwindle off into nothingness with absolutely no warning..
Fear of attachment..? Or just plain inability..? Perhaps I've trained myself too well to not ever get attached to anything again..
Today was a really weird day, btw. 'Felt like I was sleepwalking or something. Or my brain was asleep and I couldn't wake it up.
LJ