I'm tired.
I have too much pent-up hostility.
Still in the process of letting it go...
I'm mostly mad at myself for stooping to her level.. Not being able to stick up for myself properly.. Mad at being called a "bitch" to my face.. And at being referred to as a "dumb bitch" to other people.
What gave her such freedom?
If I had been able to contain myself.. or had a stronger sense of Self and self-respect.. I might've said something like, "Do NOT be calling me a bitch. You don't know me. And I'm not the one who doesn't know how to drive."
I dunno.. I keep going over ways I should've handled it. I keep dwelling on it too much.
Too bad no counseling session today. I really woulda had something to talk about. He probably woulda had me doing role-playing. But, really.. I hate role-playing..
I was fuming when I walked back up to my room last night. I couldn't talk. Couldn't eat. Couldn't move. Couldn't be touched. Nothing.
I literally sat in my chair and stared off at a blank wall.. and I swallowed.
B i g gulps.
Feeling helpless, I swallowed my fuming rage.
Not too healthy, I don't think. Gonna get ulcers or something.
Pure mania in those moments, though.
I dunno.. And now I'm feeling paranoid. Gonna run into that girl again.. and what then? Feeling more shut in than ever. Feeling afraid to walk around. Afraid to go back to the "scene".. the front of housing.. to smoke a cigarette. Feeling like everyone's looking at me. Judging me. Dismissing me. Contempt for me. Glaring at me. Laughing at me.
Kinda like my dream....
Hrm.
So maybe there are better things to look forward to, then...