maybe andrew's right. well, of course he is. i don't know where i got this idea that i needed to write for other people. oh, maybe because this journal is actually online. but still, i wanted my focus to be for me, not for other people. and somehow, i've strayed from that. hungry for attention. but it's nowhere to be found. i'm still whispering. barely audible.
i have so many places where i've taken up webspace, trying to find a way to express myself, trying to make a connection. there's dearcynthia [here], as well as a second much more private, anonymous, scandalous, diaryland space, accounts at upsaid, scribble journal, livejournal, and dreamjournal. anyplace else..? who knows. if there is, i've forgotten about it long ago. but maybe i'm spreading myself thin by doing that. i say to myself that each one is for a seperate mood. the separate parts of me. where i go into different levels and approaches into my mind and my life. but maybe i'm just making myself too separated, confusing and alienating myself in the process.
i say [to myself] i try out new journal spaces because i'm interested in the community. my friends are over "here." "this" community's gone dead, so i'm interested in pursuing some community over "there." i haven't much more to say to myself, so i try to say things to other people instead.
but i need to stop running from myself.
fess up, lady. what do you want in life?
i want friends. i want connection. i want to know that i am alive.
i went out last night. saw the movie, "monster". [here's my take on it.] i went out with a guy. i don't know if it was a "date." because the question was more, "do you want to catch a movie or something?" and me, i'm much more casual about "dates" anyway. i much prefer referring to them as "hanging out." but the guy was totally cool. we saw the movie. and then we went for drinks. i got wasted on only 3 cosmo's. but the whole time, we talked, and talked, and talked. like i've never talked before! part of it was the alcohol - that ALWAYS gets me very talkative. the other part.. he was just a very cool, very easy guy to talk to. i'd butt in several times while he was talking, something i usually won't do. because i had stuff to SAY. stuff to relate to what he was saying. i can even TELL you what we talked about. we talked about miami, about brooklyn and NY in general, and differences between the two places, about movies, tim burton, music, concerts, clubs, places to go, things to do, differences between puerto ricans and cubans, FOOD, places to eat, how to make a margarita, cigarettes, cars, poker, day trading.. and the list goes ON!! usually, you ask me what i talked about with someone and the best i can do is "stuff." we talked until 2am, sitting in his beautiful porsche. and not a damn thing about relationships or dating. nothing romantic going on, just TALKING! and i LOVED it!
honestly.
and.. i think i'm gonna try to be more honest in here. it's not a show. it's just me.
LJ