Invitations everywhere. Not sure what to make of it. hardly excited. because there's only one person's invitation that i really want.
and him.. i'm not sure what to make of. i love talking to him. but i barely have anything to say to him anymore. it's gotten weird, i guess. but i think it's mostly me. because when i do try to talk, he is receptive. i can say anything i want. but it's hard for me to muster the courage.
this damn thing about being an intrusion. something i've been talking with the counselor a lot. so i've been pushing myself to keep saying something. but it's never enough and i'm not satisfied.
i want to say more. i don't want to worry about what i say not being welcome. but i just can't shake the feeling. even though it's ridiculous.
so afraid of breaking through barriers. i have my wall up. and i imagine in my head that he has a wall, too.. even though i really don't think he does so much. i just imagine it's there. in my visualization of social interaction.
i dunno. i'm just enamored by him. intrigued. i want more. i want to get closer. but i'm too afraid to. gonna try to get over that fear..
so many invitations..
a jazz club with a guy tonite.
two other guys who invited me to a different club. girls drink free.
a girl who invited me to an all girls' thing on saturday night on south beach. for which i was warned i may get hit on by girls.. that would be quite an experience.. heh..
the invitations pile on. where do they come from? how did they start? am i doing something differently?
my freedom to go out still feels a bit curbed. with the SG here. that's "spouse guy" to anyone who's confused.
i'm holding my breath. the chains are a bit of a struggle to break through.
but he moves out soon. a couple weeks? imagine the chaos i can get into once that happens.. i'd be unstoppable.
i always manage to get myself into some kinda trouble when i'm by myself again. somehow i never end up completely alone. last time.. it was the second love of a lifetime.. that lasted 3 months. it was wonderful while i was in it. back in highschool. back in love..
i guess the trouble i end up getting into depends on my stance for this time around. do i want a serious relationship again? or do i want to "have fun" again?
this time, i haven't decided. both have their consequences. both have their pros and cons.
maybe.. i think i'd just like to make a real human connection this time. it doesn't have to be love. but it can be something like it. i'd like to find someone's core.. and nurture it.
me, nurture?
maybe not.
maybe i'd just like to share in it. see what it's like immersed in someone else's world for a little bit. that's all.. not too much, is it?
Getting away with it, all messed up
That's the living
LJ