the post script that became its own entry
<<February 13, 2004 - Friday, 7:22 pm>>

p.s.
and this girl.. that i chilled with last night. she was the same girl that i went over to talk to the day after my first boyfriend broke up with me. which, as is manifest in my past past entries [the pain starts here].. was absolutely heart-breaking. while sitting with her last night, i thought about telling her how much that other day meant to me.. talking with her about my break-up. but i didn't get that far. i wonder if she remembers. probably, right? it was a long talk. something significant. she helped me with my sanity, i think.. some things are too much to keep inside..

but why is that..?

why do we have this insufferable need to express ourselves? get everything out. vent. why does it matter? i'm just really, really curious.. really curious. because that might be my whole problem. i live my life with this idea that everything should be kept inside. that.. having emotion or problems or being anything 'unprofessional' or 'improper' means that you're weak or something. which is absolutely, absolutely ridiculous. i don't actually believe it. but it's what i tell myself. that.. that's how other people think. even though i know it's not true..

i know it's not true, and yet, i close my eyes to anything else that might be true.

it's just.. i walk around with this feeling that i'm not allowed to be close to anyone. it is forbidden. taboo. and not in an exciting way. eternal damnation in accordance with the gods of my religion. my own ficticious religion that i walk around with and allow to govern my every thought and move. but, instead.. i'm damning myself with this. this.. mental torment.

*sigh*

now's the time for orgasmic after-shudder. mental masturbation.. i just really had a revelation with those above paragraphs. i was able to dig in deep and really pull something out. something that was dark and deep and murky.

so i realize this much.. what's next, i dunno..

LJ

step back - push forward

dearcynthia}}




Lately:
-January 16, 2017
ChicagoMarch 19, 2011
ok i will say something elseSeptember 24, 2006
i still love youSeptember 24, 2006
reaching outJuly 16, 2006