*sigh*
i'm trying to write a paper. it's been a while since i've written one. nothing's coming out. it's actually on a fairly interesting topic. about charlie parker, bebop, drugs, and a movie called "Bird." I've had fun looking stuff up for it. but for some reason, i can't commit to the actual writing of it.
mental blockage.
i'm very nervous about many things. i feel my skin heat up and prickle over it. tomorrow i find out if i start taking meds or not. at first this was exciting. now i'm getting very, very, very, very nervous. this is big, y'know? a big step. it also means a commitment. to getting better. to change. to not allowing myself to keep falling within the safe embrace of my comfort zone. that is, to be tucked away in my shell where no one can see or hurt me. but it, this shell, is a place where i fester and boil and yearn for freedom.
maybe yearning for freedom is better than actually having it..?
yes.. i've often found that wanting something is always better than after you've already gotten it..
and that's only another thing i'm afraid of..
reading about charlie parker and his discovery of the new technique of bebop, how he was suddenly able to play what he was hearing in his mind, brings about a theme that i keep seeing everywhere: finding your natural voice. you're not imitating. you're no longer struggling. it just comes to you. you, being natural.
the theme is everywhere if you look for it. the surreal life had a song for it. "be yourself." america's next top model stresses it unbelievably. yes, those are both very shallow shows, but at the very least the theme is still there.
it's a struggle to be yourself. and it's a shame that we have drugs [hard drugs] to be able to escape ourselves, or escape each other. it's even more of a shame that we would want or need these drugs. what does that tell you? whose fault is it if an individual can't get along in the world in his normal state? is it really only his fault for being a junkie? what kind of restrictions/repressions are we constantly putting on one another? i'd like to live in the kind of world where "fuck" is just as normal as the word "the", where i can walk around topless just like the guys [because that's just not fair], where every little thing isn't scrutinized for decency or for being politically correct or for being perfect. a world where it's okay to just be fucking human. what's being human? well.. that would be playing, sleeping, fucking, drinking, and not wearing business suits.
i dunno.. just let people be. maybe that's why it's so hard. people won't let them.
i'd like to live in a world where oral presentations are optional.
LJ