Friday was Breakdown Friday.
I was 'bout ready to lose it. At work, I had this urgent desire to submerge my head in water and just SCREAM.
I'd still like to do that, I think.
So let go, jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for
And then I got very tired. And the separated husband's been treating me like crap. Just.. constantly berating me. Like my mother all over again. Nothing I do is ever enough for him. Abusive, complaining, accusing. Ehh.. It's a lot to live with. It tears away at my confidence and my soul. And it's like scratching away at a brick wall to ever get through to him.
I just want to be treated with respect.. I don't know why it's so fucking hard for me to ever get that..
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
But anyway.. So he was a jerk on the phone on Friday. And then I started freaking out about not having ANY money. None money. Whatsoever. Worried about food and TP. And not to mention the 300 dollars I need in order to register for classes. And.. I don't know what else. Just being depressed in general. Because nobody loves me. And all that crap. :p
It's alright
'Cos there's beauty in the breakdown
So he was a jerk on the phone. Kept hanging up on me. He always does that shit. And what could I do but curl up in my bed and cry? It's been a while since I've gotten that depressed..
Bah.
Where was I going with this..?
I'm semi-better now, though.
*sigh*
The good gods handed me a present today, though. I'm quite thankful and grateful. Even though I have mixed feelings about it. Because it caused me to desert both work and a prior commitment.
But I met someone today. And it wasn't so much that I met someone, more that.. I dunno man.. the good gods gave me someone to talk to. Out of nowhere. About the things that have been on my mind. Crazy. Insane, even, when I start to think about it.
So let go, just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
I had about a half hour left of work, but I went outside to smoke a cigarette at my usual bench. This guy comes walking by with a really bad outfit, so bad that I'm thinking to myself, "please don't let this guy smile, make eye contact, say hi, or try talking to me.. please no.."
So I forget about him, drowning in my own thoughts, and I think he walks by, but then he walks back over to sit on the bench. And.. I couldn't even tell you how it started, but somehow we engage in conversation. Well, he talks more than I, but still. Everything he's saying and musing about were exactly the types of things that I've been ruminating on lately. About life, relationships, men and women.. Just.. everything..
And we ended up talking for two hours.
...
craziness..
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow
if i believed in god, i'd be thanking him today for the gift. because i don't normally get stuff like that. gift-wrapped and handed on a platter. or something. personalized. heh. personally delivered. that right there will be one of my favorite moments in my life: talking with a perfect stranger for two hours about life. there's really nothing better.
You can't await your own arrival
You've 20 seconds to comply
mm..
'n stuff.
Oh, it's so amazing here
p.s. I just remembered. It all started when he asked me if there was a post office on campus..
LJ