"i love the way you just dismiss things.."
well, it's called caring about what's important. and not caring about what's not.
anytime a new piece of information is given to me, it goes through my filtration process. is this important? does it matter? is it worth having any type of emotional reaction to?
if not, i dismiss it, and let it flutter back out into the chaos and disorder from whence it came. and it's not mine anymore. and i can completely forget it.
and life goes on.
anything i do, anything i say.. i have to know that it's worth it first.
on the phone when i got quiet, he would ask, "hello? did you hear me..?"
"i'm thinking.."
i don't know how to think out loud. and we had a discussion on how he couldn't fathom that. he couldn't fathom sitting there, going over what you're going to say in your head before you say anything.
but that's just how i am.
people are different in so many ways. i want to investigate how other people deal with emotion. i'm very curious. i had a lot of questions. in some ways i understand, in other ways i don't.
why is it okay for him to love me when i don't love him..?
but then i remembered a similar experience, a long car ride home, when my husband [before we were "together"] had listed out to me the thousand ways i could never be his type. but that didn't stop me from my attachment to him.. and i got him to love me anyway in the end. only to find out, it really wasn't what i wanted.
how does he love and hate his wife at the same time?
for me, when the hate started creeping in.. the love was completely and brutally murdered.
i dunno.. i don't know how to be so careless and contradictory with my emotions anymore. i don't let them throw me around and torment me. i used to think i had no control over my emotions, that i can't help what i think, but really... it's just not true. once you finally take a firm grip on the reins, well.. then you can know.
or does this make me too repressed now? too cold-hearted..? well.. there may be those doubts, but.. on the whole, i feel freer than ever. and with this freedom and confidence in myself, i'm bonding more than ever with my friends.. and i feel warmer.. because i have nothing to fear.
nothing to fear but fear itself.
love is letting go of fear..
LJ