i said something about his guilt trip he was trying to send me on.
that immediately got him going.. "oh, you wanna talk about guilt trips..?" and some kind of comment about sending me out the door with all the baggage ready to go on a guilt trip.. and all the very mean things he could say to me, but he doesn't want to because he likes me too much.
that immediately got me intrigued. i wanted to hear it. i pressured him to let out all the evil thoughts he had about me.
i wanted it. i wanted to feel bad. i wanted to be punished for him falling for me. as if it was my fault..
because it always is, right..?
but he wouldn't say the mean things to me..
hit me..
nobody's been telling me mean things about myself in a while now. it gets confusing when it's been what you're used to..
dare i say i miss the abuse?
no.. i don't think so.. i think i just keep expecting to find it again somewhere..
but we mustn't go looking for it.. [protectmefromwhatiwant]
i walked around my room not thinking
just sinking in this box
i blame myself for being too much like somebody else
i never thought i would just bend this way
then a phone call made me realize i'm wrong..
an' if i don't make it known that
i've loved you all along
just like sunny days that
we ignore because
we're all dumb and jaded..
and i hope to god i figure out what's wrong
LJ