and the question again..
what if i just give up?
school is so exhausting. and i really don't care for any of this shit. i don't want to be in business. computers, maybe. i still don't care..
and the thought came to me while sitting on the shuttle. what if i just.. let it all go? oooh, what a peaceful feeling came with that thought.
say goodbye to school, goodbye to miami, goodbye to.. it all. or something.
i'm tired of reading the same shit about information systems and IT in each textbook for each class over and over again. blah, blah, blah, i get it. and i'm tired of it. maybe i should've done computer science..? but i don't like math. i have a severe distaste for math. i still haven't been able to get my ass to open the finance book yet this semester.
*sigh*
at this point.. the only reason to keep going is for a piece of paper that means nothing to me. but it might mean something to other people. and i can say, 'hey- i graduated from college.'
yee.
haw?
the only thing that really matters to me are the people i can talk to. the people i can spend time with. i could've worked on stuff for class on saturday, but.. it meant more to me to spend the day with SG. i like spending time with other human beings. i'm not so much into being by myself anymore or shying away into a corner. i like to listen to them. i like to observe. i like to laugh. and i like to test what i can do and see what kind of reactions i get.
see where i can fill in.
i love my job and the only reason is because of the people i work with. it's the one thing i look forward to every day. but still.. i always manage to be at least a half hour late. i don't like doing that. jefe never really cares, though. she's just happy to see me when i do come in.
okay, maybe the people aren't the only thing. i'm also a nerd and really enjoy the process i work with. but uhm.. well, the people make it fun.
...
i don't want a cookie-cutter life.
i hate questions about school and future plans. i feel like i have to always make it cookie-cutter for the dimwits who ask them. 'oh, i'm going for MIS.. and then i'm going to grad school'
i'm so fucking smart and ambitious.
whatever.
i don't really fucking care about any of that shit.
i'm just a lazy slob who only wants to be with and learn about PEOPLE.
maybe.
maybe not.
everything i say could change two seconds after i type it. but i leave it here because i thought it. the thought did exist once. in my head. it had its own lifecycle.
sometimes i reduce my intelligence level to dimwit so i can feel like i'm communicating effectively with other dimwits. just say what i think they want to hear and be on my way..
isn't it more refreshing to be honest, though? to be real?
no matter how worried i or you might be about their reaction. their reaction is their business, not mine, really. i don't have to censor myself for other people. they may even appreciate it more. and if not, let them judge. if they don't like it, let them be on their way. there are a lot of fucking people in the world. i don't have to hold my breath for a choice few.
i'm aware that i'm all over the place.
it's called, uhm.. something that i forgot.
...
what i really want to do is anthropology.
am i allowed to change my mind?
LJ