i got to thinking in the shower just now.. about the different roles people have in our lives. and how life works out so that, even if someone is out of your life.. or you lose touch.. a new person often comes along to fill it.
like how daniel has become my aj. [aj is a character whose relationship with i've never fully explored or even questioned, just took as a given that he was always there. i plan to explore it in a later entry.] or how brian has[had] become my aaron.
and then i started thinking of my jen.. if anyone could ever possibly fill the role she plays in my life. really, i don't think it's possible to find another girl like her..
but for some reason that drifted off into jackie. and how she was there for an important event in my life. when dan broke up with me.
i think it was oct 2, 2000, the night of, that he broke up with me online. not even a phone call. online, he does it. after we'd been together almost 4 years [3 and a half?]. no biggie. i don't care anymore, just saying. in fact, i can tell this entire story without any emotional attachment to it.
it just was.
just something that happened. not good, not bad. but maybe both.
sorry, starting to talk out of my ass.
so he broke up with me online.
the next morning, i was quite depressed. understandably. cry, cry, cry did i. and for some reason, i wanted to dress all in black. black top, black pants, black thick boots. and extra black eyeliner. look all dark. because i was in mourning..
i had a bunch of classes with jackie. and she lived in housing with me. she was a guy's girl. the kind of girl that has mostly guy friends. i can relate to girls like that better, it seems. because i have more guys for friends myself. but anyway.. i think i walked back with her after a class together. i might've either asked what she was doing, or we were going to study for another class together. whatever it was, i walked with her to her place.
and she asked me if i had done some homework or studying.
i told her no, because i kinda couldn't concentrate as my boyfriend broke up with me last night.
this started a long talk. she was there for me. she started talking about her relationships. and then she started talking about her.. mental unwellness..? and things she'd done and been through.. and family.. and.. i dunno, all kinds of stuff.
but it was all about her.
i didn't mind at all. it helped me to shift my focus to other things. take my mind off it..
but still.. it's interesting.. the different ways in which people will relate. some will ask about you.. others will just tell you all about themselves.. i get this distinct feeling that she was a leo..
me, i've learned to be curious about other people. and i like that i'm like this now. i think my mother, one time in asking me about another person and i didn't have any answers, she asked me something like, "don't you ever get curious?" i dunno, something like that.
i'm curious now, though. all the time. if someone lightly touches a subject, rather than just leave it there, i dig deeper with my questions. i think i was so afraid of getting too personal before. i would think, 'i have no right to ask that. if they want me to know, they'll tell me.'
but fuck all that now, really.
conversations with me, and especially with strangers or acquaintances, used to be so dull. i would never speak unless asked something. too afraid of looking stupid, or offending, or not knowing what i or the other person would be talking about. but there are simple ways around all those fears. if i goof up in my speech, well.. hey, no biggie. sean, my old therapist, would talk about the concepts of owning all my quirks and flaws. because i would talk a lot about these fears of speaking up. and, yeah.. if i goof up, i own it. not embarrassed or afraid of it. it's mine. my goof. my bad. and he also told me some people might find it charming. an endearing quality that makes me who i am.
'dani loses her train of thought..'
'dani never remembers anything..'
'dani doesn't know what we're talking about even though everyone else does..'
*shrug*
what was i saying now..?
yeah, so, uhm.. not afraid to speak anymore. i'll ask questions. lots of questions. sometimes very random questions. and then i get asked, "why'd you ask that?"
and then i have to say, "just curious."
and then sometimes i even offer information about myself that no one even asked in the first place..
LJ