where is everybody
<<October 31, 2004 - 1:31 am>>

having trouble being happy having to spend time by myself..

i should've gone to a friend's halloween party last [friday] night. but i suck because i'm so behind in projects and studying. i would've gone if the party was in town. but.. it's about 5 hours away for me. and that's a lot of effort when there are a lot of other things i really need to be doing.

*sigh*

i'm confused by the silence. it bugs and irks me.

danielle needs to be able to spend time all by herself. i require it of her.

no.. maybe danielle needs to get out more. but that's hard to do when she's so goddamn lazy.

am i lazy? maybe i just dread time alone, so i waste it..

i kinda feel like this discomfort with being by myself is a little alarming. i have things i can do, things i should do, but it's painful by myself. the alarming part is that i don't want to be the type of person that has to always be with someone so that she can succeed in avoiding herself.

but i also really like that i even desire human interaction, being social, in the first place. i almost kind of like that it's possibly more comforting to me to be with other people than by myself. it's something that used to be dreadful and exhausting for me.

oh, i could start beating myself up with questions like, "why don't you have anyone to hang out with right now?" but that's silly. i'm not even going to go there. first of all, it's 1:30am, i haven't showered all day, and.. well, i had to study. and i actually was productive enough to get one of my classes out of the way for the week. so that's good.

oh, i guess i wish i had a roommate or someone to live with. well.. i live with a lot of socially accessible people, so that really should be good enough. but.. that part where i haven't showered prevents me from exiting the front door.

maybe i feel like i'm missing out?

well it IS halloween weekend, and i'm not doing a goddamn thing for it. i just.. don't have any spirit for it. i don't care for a costume; i like being me. don't even care for candy. i don't eat candy. i haven't even had sugar-free candy in a long while. just.. i dunno, don't care for it.

eh.

*shrug*

i'm looking into purchasing a cell phone. that's something that excites me. not much else, though.

LJ

step back - push forward

dearcynthia}}




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