great american smokeout. and i FAILED.
no excuses.
i briefly attended a demonstration and display on smoking-related information in the student union. i got to see the difference between the lungs of a healthy pig, and the lungs of a pig who's been smoking. [bad piggy.] and i picked up some packets of information on smoking cessation. because i want to quit. not just for my baby, but for myself and my throat that often bothers me. i even talked a little with the people there on how to get started with a consultation program. then i got a free massage. mmmm.. i want more of that.. my poor aching back. it hurts to take a deep exaggerated breath. i suspect it may be my lungs. my ribs hurt, too. i really have no idea why.
i had two people throw their usual comments at me yesterday when they caught me smoking at different times on the benches outside of the library. daniel, my buddy from classes, said he was going to get me candy cigarettes. they taste better and they're not as addictive, he said. shimena, who i work with, said she's gonna start carrying around a bucket of water for every time she sees me with a cigarette.
of course, it's all in good fun. i'll still smoke my cigarette. and they'll still give me a hard time about it.
but i got to thinking later about the difference in worlds. smokers and nonsmokers. smokers don't take nonsmokers seriously. because you nonsmokers don't know what you're missing. you're taking it too seriously, we rationalize. and it's always fun to do something that everyone else tells you you shouldn't be doing. i enjoy my habit. it makes me feel good. and i can't see why everyone else would think i should quit.
but.. maybe they see something i don't see. maybe it is a problem. maybe it is an addiction. maybe it is something out of my control. and maybe i do need to take it more seriously.
but still it feels so good to smoke. i'll try to go a day without, and when i finally give in, i feel such tremendous relief literally from my head all the way down to my toes. it's that good.
and it's harder when you spend time with others who smoke. as soon as they light up, you want it, too. it always happens that way. shit, even when i see someone light up on tv or in movies, i want one right there. and there's a community factor between smokers. you indulge together. you slowly die together. and i mean, in what other practice can you just go up to a complete stranger and ask for something for free? smokers are very sharing people...
and then there's also an irreverant attitude smokers have about their habit that i'm also drawn to. i mention to a friend about me trying to quit smoking and he says, "fuck that, I promote smoking." i loved it. and one time i listened to dennis leary talk about smoking and drinking and, really, i wish i could find it somewhere so i can see it again or read it or something because, after just about everything he said, i could really add on a genuine 'fuck yeah' to it. 'preachin' the gospel, he was..
and then marlboro.. philip morris has to pay for these advertisements against smoking, but then marlboro rewards me for my smoking. first, an awesome pack of cards for my birthday, then a free cd with some pretty damn good music on there, stuff i'd only hear on the college radio station.. and then finally, just recently, i received a free debit mastercard with 10 bucks on it in the mail. and i can add more money on it with the marlboro miles i've been saving.
it would be so much easier if i could find some kind of feasible chemical replacement for my smoking.. the patches and the gum are prohibitively expensive.
but maybe.. if only, every time i start craving a cigarette, i could draw a hot bath. because.. good fucking lord, there's nothing quite like a good hot bath. but i don't have a tub right now so i'm out of luck.
[x-posted]
LJ