I don't know why I bother to keep with these things if I never care to speak of my daily life anymore. I suppose it's nice if any sort of inspiration hits me, but it's been a while for that.
i feel so fucking inspiration-less.
sure, there are things going on in my life. very good things, even. things i want to remember and cherish.
uhm.. but i dunno.
i'm missing some kind of inspiration. some kind of energy and drive. i'm missing a tight grip on things. things to make mine. things to want to make mine.
i love him. and i feel i've brought myself to the point of no return during this trip. i love him so much it can make me cry. i can't pull him far enough, deep enough into me.. when i squeeze him really tight, i have these fanciful desires of absorbing his flesh into my own. i want to fully absorb and breathe him in. and it's so strong, the want. forget oxygen.. i just want to breathe him.
i feel like life is being too good to me. things have been too easy. i don't trust it. i shouldn't be rewarded for my laziness and carelessness. i got two A's that i've never been so undesrving of. i won an award at work during a year that i've been my most slack. and.. i don't know what else. here, my brother has lost his job for the new year. he moved in with his girl and is starting to think he's made a mistake. i should talk to him about that, actually. i just realized it's the first time he has moved in with a girl. i should have given him some warnings, some life lessons i learned on living with the one you love. he loves her, i know. and it seemed to be the only option he had, considering the cirumstances. which is why i didn't think to make him question it. it's difficult to get a chance to talk to him alone, though. she's been chewing me out for not calling or seeing my brother more. i love it. i actually really appreciate it. somebody needs to get on my ass for being a shit. i started to confess, on that new year's eve call, that i've been depressed, i haven't been myself around other people, ever since grandaddy died. but i decided to save that for later. it was difficult to talk with the loud music in the bar...
mm.. i cried for an hour or so, alone in the dark, during the first wee hours of the new year. i was playing home movies in my head.. going back on my life, the things i've been through, the people i've gotten close to.. and i mourned.. which is the part that really made me cry. i mourned for my grandfather. i thought about the ways he has always been there, from day one. what a unique and wonderful grandfather he was.. i thought about the pain my grandmother must be going through. the jarring searing pain that i can imagine must not come nearly as close to her reality. were i in her position, i don't know how i'd pick myself up after that. 56 years of being in love. i knew what it was like to become so attached to a person, so used to them being there, after only a little more than a year or so. but 56 years.. of a GOOD thing with someone.. i can't imagine it. people want to say, she needs to do this, needs to do that, needs to be with people, it's not healthy for her to blah, blah, blah, etc, etc. but shit. the woman needs her time in pain. i can't imagine anything more painful for a person to go through. she needs to be doing whatever she feels like, no matter how eccentric or "unhealthy" it may seem...
*sigh*
and i mourned for my father, too. for him, i usually mourn over what could have been. i also mourned over past relationships. relationships are living, breathing things. and they die, too.
*shrug*
losing focus..
a dream about trying to snort cocaine last night has me feeling like i just need to be wasted on some mind-altering drug today...
LJ