spectacular randomness
<<January 11, 2005 - Tuesday, 8:53 pm>>

I woke up painfully ill on Friday.

My entire body hurt, muscles and bones. So much that I had tears in my eyes. I was cold. It was impossible to get comfortable in any position. My fever that night read at 102.1 degrees Fahrenheit. I felt like I could vomit, but I never did, even when I tried to. It was too painful to even try..

Eventually the pain in my body wore off, by the next day I think. Then I was just left with a constant pain on my right side and pain in my lower back. I would still get freezing cold with a fever, especially after I tried to eat something.

It sucks that I had to end my trip with my baby like this. He even took care of pushing back my flight from Saturday evening to Sunday afternoon, the absolute sweetheart that he is.. because we didn't see how I was going to make it to that Saturday flight in my condition.

I suspect that it's my fault I got sick because I took some diuretic pills the night before and, later, I was told that I got really really sick from those pills before. But for some reason I can't fully recall this. If I have a memory of it, it's more like trying to remember a movie. I don't feel attached to the event or that it really happened to me in any way. I believe that it did. I just don't feel it. One source told me that it was as bad as "i'm never taking those again" sick. So how could I have forgotten? It feels odd to have other people tell me events in my life that I don't have recollection of. Like I'm losing control.. And then I'm doomed to repeat mistakes like this one over and over again. And I wonder how my baby could possibly manage a life with me if I've lost my memory this badly.. especially if it's one of his own biggest personal fears. And my thinking says, if it's this bad now, it can only get worse..

But.

I've finally had a good day today. I woke up feeling loads better, was able to go to class, and work till 5. I'll admit I felt a bit out of it. But it was more like a drowsy high. Maybe like I was drunk. But it was a nice hazy conciousness that had me less inhibited, less irritated, and better able to communicate.

And then a surprise when I get home. My cousin is in town. A decision he made this morning to stay with some friends for a month. How exciting that he called me. Really. I barely speak to him, I know so little of his life or his interests. I only see him at family gatherings, and even then we barely speak and he usually doesn't stick around very long. But he called me. Such a random occurrence. And he's looking to hang out while he's down here.

Awesome.

LJ

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dearcynthia}}




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