It was a spectacular day. I woke up early, but that was due to an old bad abusive habit I was trying to break. But.. it felt good being on top of my morning and not scrambling around trying to get to my class on time. Instead of being a couple minutes late, I was about 10 minutes early. Go me.
This is a Business Communications class I have at 11am on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I had to speak today, and it got a little messy as there was a little confusion that led me to talk about myself instead of someone else. But, given the situation and information I had, it went as good as can be expected. I was complimented on keeping my composure for what was thrown at me while standing in front of the class. And on smiling. They always notice my smile.
But it actually felt good being in front of the class. I wasn't nervous, I wasn't dreading it. I even wanted more. It's like.. I dunno, I have something to express at the pit of my stomach. And I want everyone to hear it. And I want to conquer and swallow it all up.
I don't know if that makes sense.. but there's an energy inside of me. It gets sparked when I get attention. And this is so entirely different from what I used to be. I used to absolutely dread ANY sort of attention. I want my moment. And y'all are gonna listen to me now.
Or something..
I hope for some kind of transformation with this class. Maybe I'll get used to it and I'll love it so much that there will be no stopping me. I'll want to speak up in front of groups of people all the time. This from a girl who couldn't even ever raise her hand to answer a question in class, it was too scary.
But anyway, after class a guy named Xavier started talking to me, since he caught that I was an MIS major when I spoke. He was asking me about professors and classes, he must be a sophomore, and he was anxious to know what he was in for. A long discussion led to the topic of programming, which led to the realization that he has a program I really need for one of my classes, and finally to the offer... if he gets me a copy, would I tutor him in it? It was perfect. Up until now, I had no clue how I was going to get this program. If I was religious, I'd say the lord answered my prayers, I was blessed today. Instead, I'll just say that it was really fucking awesome. Plus I get my own apprentice. How exciting..
After that.. well, we had been walking and talking, completely engrossed in conversation until we approached the library. It was about time for me to head in to work, but I wanted a cigarette first. He went ahead inside, and I sat on the front bench to smoke.
A few minutes later, something even more extraordinary happened. I was sitting there smoking my cigarette when I noticed someone familiar leaving the library and walking in front of me. We stared at each other, caught in that gaze where you're both trying to assess where you know each other from. I had a harder time trying to be sure since he had sunglasses on. But then he lifted them and I knew. It was Seth, my therapist from a few semesters back. Seeing him was like having an awesome present suddenly landing on my lap. It absolutely made my day. I said to him, all excited and smiles, "You're still here???"
Last time I talked to him, it was supposedly his last semester of counseling at FIU. But plans change apparently. I felt so bad when I couldn't get in a last appointment before the semester ended and I had to go home. We never had a wrap-up meeting. I never got a chance to thank him for all the help he's had a part in me being able to turn my life around. I still to this day replay those meetings and I use the tools that I learned from him to guide myself and keep myself where I want to be, every day. It is phenomenal, the impact he has had on my life. I might never have gained the courage to truly leave the SG...
Well anyway, I was able to thank him today. And to tell him I've been doing so much better. And it felt good to be able to express that. And he said if I ever need to come in and talk to just drop on by. And I'm going to keep that in mind, and may even take him up on that, depending how I figure out a way to cope with my grandfather's death, and whatever else seems to be surfacing now and then. We'll see. I do feel a lot better now, though, that if I do need the help, he's there.
Ugh. But it was such a good day, and I was in such a good mood all day. All smiles.. someone even asked me if I was on drugs.
And other things went well today. But those two were the highlights.
And then I come home.. and I'm reminded of how badly I need an assistant. I really don't know how to manage everything I need to do. I got three bills in the mail. Three bills I don't know how to handle. One that supposedly should have been settled a long time ago, since it's for purchases I never made. But I keep getting these letters... I need to ask the SG, my unofficial legal advisor, what to do. But he's harder than ever to get in touch with these days.
*sigh*
I'm just talking to myself.
If I had an assistant.. let's see.. they could do my laundry for me. Fill out my graduation application, which I actually picked up today, for me. Uhm.. figure out whatever shit I need to do for my classes, since the online ones are really confusing me. Maybe even make a schedule for me, since I'm very bad at that. Pick up the right size coffee filters from the store and make me coffee. And all the finance stuff. Grow me some money.
Ick. I need to shut up.
LJ