she said i'll throw myself away
they're just photos after all..
endings aren't fun. endings aren't easy. but endings are the best way for new beginnings. and new beginnings are always exciting. if only there were some way to stay in perpetual beginning.. constantly beginning, but never ending.
maybe.
never see something all the way through, and maybe you can always be in your beginning.
but are you fully living that way? is that cheating? do you end up hurting other people that way? people that want more..? but does that matter, as long as you get what you want..?
i can go with the flow
don't say it doesn't matter.. matter anymore
i used to think i could do this. i used to want this. if you don't see things too far, you can always be in your beginning with anyone. don't talk about love, or commitments, don't try to make them yours.. and you'll always have the chase. perpetual beginning, perpetual possibility. as long as you don't teeter off that hump on the other side of making a decision.. plunging yourself into something that you're forced to see through.. keep it on the verge of possibility.. and you can never be disappointed. your beginning is safe. and it's always there.
until the other person goes off into another direction. takes a path, a straight line that closes other doors. like i did, i suppose. suddenly my possibility wasn't available anymore for those who wished for it. most didn't, and still don't, know what to do with that. i had to rearrange my behavior patterns. suddenly there were rules and restrictions.
but that's not what i meant to talk about. i meant to talk about a different ending.
i'm listening to qotsa's 'go with the flow' over and over right now. at a period when the SG was bitter about me leaving him.. he said that song was exactly how he felt. or something like that.
*sigh*
falling in and out of love
something sweet to throw away
i know i caused him trouble and hurt. and i don't.. well, i don't like it but i also feel it's out of my control at this point. but often lately i've been looking back. at the good things we had. the carefree nature at the beginning of our relationship. then when things got serious.. and we got married.. and things got hard.. i know he tried. and thinking about the things he was willing to do for me.. well, dwelling on it can really crush my heart. i think he gave me everything he had. he really took the marriage seriously, and he really made the decision for forever. he was committed to that. thinking of how much he was committed, even when things were bad and i was a constant total bitch and he STILL wanted to be with me.. crap, more crushing in my chest.
as i said, i've been thinking of the good times.. movies, music, and inside jokes we shared.. the spark he had.. that fucking SPARK! the one i told him that, no matter what, i never wanted to see it die.
and where did it go..? i think i stomped on it on my way out...
i want something good to die for
to make it beautiful to live
i want a new mistake...
what did i do, i sometimes wonder.. what did i do, getting married in the first place? we all know that was a mistake. a horrible mistake. the worst mistake in my entire life. or was it..? because, out of this mistake.. or, trying to fix it.. i had found the greatest inner strength i've ever known for myself.
and yet i miss him.
i have never experienced a relationship to be so tight. like, i could do or say anything in front of this guy. we had no shame. and we understood each other so well, i think. we were on point. on the same wavelength. completely in sync. but that was when things were good. we were so completely comfortable and free with each other, that fighting wasn't a problem. sometimes some restraint is good, and i don't think he had any. he would go crazy on me, didn't know how to restrain himself.. maybe i'd lost all my restraint as well. and then, we'd be having the same argument over. and over. and over.
even now, we are drifted. things that he still finds funny, i wouldn't find so funny anymore. but he was being himself. contact is sparse now, since he doesn't have a way to reach me by phone. he used to call several times a day. but, even when he was calling.. it was abrupt. he'd talk my ear off about something and then say, 'i'll talk to you later, bye.'
so. i know i'm just thinking about the good times. before things went bad. it's a dangerous thing to do.
i still think, though, that knowing this person.. is probably the most profound thing i have ever experienced in my life. something i don't wish to ever fully lose. i don't want it to ever fully end. i want him as my buddy, my friend, my partner in crime. he used to say i was his best friend.. that meant so much to me.. i don't know where he's at, emotionally, in his life. but.. i'm still horribly guilty of always wanting to be there for him, and doing anything i can.. he's like my brother, y'know..? only i haven't been good at being much of a sister to my own brother..
i'm trying to get something out.. a last piece of wisdom.. but it's hard to grasp. i can't reach far enough, deep enough, into my brain to pull it out. like trying to reach for a pen or piece of paper that fell behind a desk or the couch.. and your arm is just not long enough. that happened to me while talking to jason. his pen fell behind the bench. it was closer to me so i reached for it. but my arm wasn't long enough over the back of the bench. he got a kick out of it. he said it was so funny...
uhm. dec 19 was our "anniversary." the day went by without a second glance. i just completely forgot. it's been 3 years since that fateful day..
but. i dunno.. i think about the people who've fallen for me, and i think to myself i'm not the safest person to fall in love with. what have i done to these people, y'know..? i know it's silly to think of, they've survived. but the thought is there every now and then.
but my problem is, and has always been.. i'll never know just how i feel from day to day. and it happens without reason. it.. helps to be able to go with the flow..
will you believe it in your head?
LJ