the anticipation was a turn on.. but you let me down
truth be told, it's not with relationships that i would rather sustain my beginning. it's with everything. i don't really want to know how it turns out. i just want to keep it where it starts.
it's with a job. it's with classes. it's with anything that needs to be held from start to finish. i can start a book, but can i finish it? it's been a long time for that.
is it impatience? is the anticipation and anxiety for disappointment too much? [ooo, what about the fear of commitment. reading through a book is quite a commitment. i don't like to tie myself to something..]
i want to keep starting things, but never finish them. keep a messy array of incomplete projects.
this is supposed to be my last semester. there is some anxiety with that. i've prolonged whatever i'm doing here with my education. if i was more on top of things, more concerned with finishing, i would have been done two semesters ago. but here i've finally got all my credits. and i still haven't turned in my graduation application. maybe because it means admitting an ending. surrendering to completion.
maybe i'm just being stupid. i'm only musing here, really.
i have a speech to prepare for tomorrow. i still don't know what i want it to be about. i am the worst of procrastinators. i'm probably going to be up all night with this. and then if i'm assigned to speak tomorrow, what kind of shape will i be in to present? probably not my best...
maybe the anxiety will keep me going.
LJ