Wow. Diaryland seems like such a happy place. I feel like they should have theme music going on their site. It almost screams of music anyway. And dancing fairies. And happy faces. And long green grass. And pretty flowers. And cuddly cats. Purring. Haha. How gay is it when you're writing about the page with which you use to write your diary. But, no, I really feel like I'm entering some happy fairie land when I open this site. Children singing, laughing, playing. No worries. Just dreams.
Smile. You're in Diaryland. :)
Yeah. But anyway. I was just thinking tonite.. 'Bout the changes in my life. How far I've come. I think I was finally able to think about it with some clarity. But it still kinda feels like it's all a dream. And I can't quite grasp it, yet. I can't feel it in my hands.. It hasn't all fully registered in my head yet. I need my mind to match up where my body is. And.. inversely [for lack of a better word], my first life at home seems to be becoming more and more of a dream..
I dunno.. I've just changed so much in my life.. I went from a sheltered life at home, to absolute and complete independence in a place where none of my old friends would be.. [well, 'cept for one, but we have yet to meet up down here..]. I mean, I never had the house to myself when my parents would go somewhere for the weekend.. I had to stay w/ my grandparents.. and now.. I am on my own every single day. I've never traveled somewhere without my parents.. now, I travel a lot. I have my own car. My own. car. If I try to think about it enough, it blows my mind. My own car. Mine. I got it myself. For me. All paid for. I paid for it. By myself. No one helped me. Not even a little bit. All mine. Completely. And totally. Mine. A car. Danielle has a car. Of her own. I never would have imagined it. And Danielle went off to college. She lives on her own. In Miami. On her own. Her very own. No one to answer to. No one to think of. She left home. I never would have imagined it. Never.
Danielle is completely independent. It's what her mother pushed her to be from the very beginning. Her mother would rarely buy her things. She had to pay for things herself. But she didn't get an allowance. And she wasn't allowed to get a job. So what did she do? She went without, I guess. I don't really remember. But I remember talking about it at the lunch table in, what, 3rd grade..? The girls were shocked. Your parents don't buy you things? *shrug* And now.. they're not helping me with college.. They wouldn't help me with a car.. nothing. *shrug* I'm on my own. I don't have to depend on them for anything.. I remember my mother crying on different occasions.. "You don't need me anymore.." Well.. listen to yourself.. you've pushed me away from the very beginning.. not just in this aspect, but in many others.. more crucial ones.. but it's all forgive and forget.. mostly forget, because I have a terrible time remembering my past life..
Mm. And the other night I was thinking about Dan. I wanted to think about him. I was sitting in the car, we were driving.. I had a pillow on my lap.. I was stroking and caressing it. Pretty soon, I was imagining my fingers running through his hair. I can still remember what his hair feels like in my fingers. Part of me was happy, part of me wanted to cry. And I did cry. I kept saying to myself, "my love, my love, my love.." over and over. And I cried. And I remembered. And for a little while I could feel again. I yearned. For his comfort. I felt like I needed to cry. It's been a really long time. I mean, really long time. I needed some release. It probably wasn't the best time to do it, tho, since I wasn't alone. And I cried so hard I gave myself a really bad headache. :p 'Guess I won't be doing that again.. But.. it's like.. I had something really good with him. Really. really. good. It just.. doesn't seem fair.. or right.. that it should just be cut short like that.. And I invested so much of me in him. And he changed me more than anyone else in my life. I have NO fucking clue WHERE or WHO I would be if I had never met him. But I know I would be A LOT different. And I wouldn't be in Miami..
But.. eh.. "que sera, sera"
And I'm an idiot for staying up so late.
.
Delirium: What's the name of the word for the precise moment when you realize that you've actually forgotten how it felt to make love to somebody you really liked a long time ago?
Dream: There isn't one.
Delirium: Oh. I thought maybe there was.
LJ