It's been an awful week. I feel so drained, so uninspired. For the past two days, I've had this nagging headache. Not even prescription-strength medicine has helped to completely alleviate it.
I'm falling behind in some projects. I had to submit something for the "progress" of my website for my webdesign class this week, but.. I was so uninspired that it turned out very hideously. I'm having trouble keeping up with my Visual Basic programs and assignments. I feel like it's going to be next to impossible to keep up with everything, but.. there's always tomorrow, right?
I keep hoping that tomorrow it will turn out better. Tomorrow I won't be tired. Tomorrow I will be clear-headed. Tomorrow it will all be much easier.
But tomorrow never comes.
Instead, I still have the headache of Yesterday.
I don't know what to turn to. I kind of wish I was part of a tribal culture. The kind that do rituals and sing and dance. It must be so cathartic, such a release to have that be a part of life. Dancing at nightclubs must be the closest thing that we "modern men" have. But nightclubs seem to be having very bad luck these days..
But.. rhythm is life. I need to get back into that rhythm. But, for now, it looks like I'm stuck In the Meantime:
"When you are not happy where you are and you are not quite sure if you want to leave or how to leave, you are in the meantime. It's a state of limbo. You are hanging on, ready to let go, afraid to fall, not wanting to hurt yourself, afraid you will hurt someone else. In the meantime, you pray the other person will let go so that you will not feel guilty." [24]
"When we believe we don not have enough love in our lives, we enter the meantime. What we fail to understand is that we are the love we seek. Until, however, we can recognize ourselves as love and live in harmony with our true identity, the void grows deeper, wider, and more painful." [28]
"Sooner or later, we must all accept the fact that in a relationship, the only person you are dealing with is yourself. Your partner does nothing more than reveal your stuff to you. Your fear! Your anger! Your pattern! Your craziness! As long as you insist on pointing the finger out there, at them, you will continue to miss out on the divine opportunity to clear your stuff. Here is a meantime tip- we love in others what we love in ourselves. We despise in others what we cannot see in ourselves. Often when a relationship goes sour we become blind, immune, or resistent to our stuff by making an admirable attempt to dump it on another person. People will resist having your stuff dumped on their lap because all too often it is also their stuff- the stuff they can't see. They resist by fighting or running away. Now get this! As crazy as it seems, the person who stays to fight with you (this does not mean physical fighting or abuse) is usually the one who really loves you. They love you and are willing to duke it out with you and your stuff in order to facilitate mutual healing." [35]
Well.. about that last quote. It's not that I blame him. In fact, I don't at all. I know it's me. It's all me. I've changed in what I've realized and how I feel. But.. I also there's a lot of me in him. There are many viewpoints that we share very similar, if not exactly the same. Stuff on religion and life. And while we may not engage in our viewpoints as passionately as I have with others, it's still there. We don't disagree much on stuff outside of ourselves, pretty much. In fact, we go through a lot of the same feelings and such. We just approach it very differently, but also sometimes exactly the same. He's very needy and desperate. He still doesn't know how not to depend on me at this point. This shows in his phone calls and IMs every 20 minutes. At the same time, he hides it so well from others. On the outside, no one would ever know that he hurts and that he's just barely holding himself together. He even goes the extra mile, unlike me, to present himself so personably. Bring up any old topic with him, and he will instantly grab it and go on and on and NOT shut up! Giving the impression that, 'wow. this guy really knows his stuff. he's fantastically smart, seems so motivated and driven, doesn't take shit from no one, and is just so well put-together.'
They'd never guess.
At his parents', he keeps hurting himself. The worst so far is tripping in the garage and hitting himself in the head so that he has a concussion.. I wonder though if he's subconconsciously trying to reach out for attention. I have read that being accident prone, like he has been lately, may be a symptom of having a very poor self image. Meaning, you're not seeing yourself as you exist in reality. Or maybe his body or his head is trying to express physically on the outside what the pain that he's trying to avoid in the inside..
Or maybe I just have no fucking clue what I'm talking about and should really shut up.
:)
LJ