This from an old [hand-written] diary of mine that I recently came across, written back in 1998:
What's wrong, Danielle?
I don't know. I wish I knew. but I have to ask myself that question. I know there's something wrong. but it's like I'm hiding it from myself. and as long as I do that, I'll still have this uneasy feeling. and I want it to go aWAY! I did it again, y'know..
I know.
After all this time, I did it again. I feel like it's all downhill from here.
oh, c'mon. You know that can't be. You just.- you're just having a hard time right now. You'll be alright soon. It's always a roller-coaster ride with you. you'll get over this.
It seems like I'll never get over this. I thought I was past all this crap. But then, that one week awhile ago? and now? It just keeps resurfacing. It'll never be totally gone. not until I find out exactly what it is that's bothering me and DEAL with it.
I don't think you've ever actually DEALT with anything in you're life, Danielle. All you've ever done is avoid, ignore, deny, and pretend everything's okay. 'hasn't helped you much, has it?
how am I supposed to deal when I don't even know what my fuckin' problem IS!
And, well.. it doesn't seem like much has changed. And I found several references to how I sensed I was keeping things from myself. And I still do it.. I am my own biggest mystery. My Inner Self has something to say. Something big.
What is it, Danielle?
LJ