Oh man, what a weekend..
I keep getting sick. And this is the second time in only a month that I've had Illness knock me down. The first time was right after that nightmare in Alligator Alley. And now this past weekend was spent ferociously sick in bed. And I haven't gotten sick like this in so long. And suddenly, two in a row..? I dunno.. Maybe FIU housing is bad for my health. It seems to be the only place I get really really seriously sick. I mean, we all know about the water.. Don't wanna drink that water. This place was built on top of what used to be a dump, after all.. So.. what else would be getting me sick here..?
*shrug*
...
*sigh*
So much to be dealt with. I've been avoiding Diaryland.. 'didn't want to deal with things. I just wanted to go along with them in some dreamlike state. I thought I found something that would change my life for the better, but.. I dunno.. I think I've only succeeded in piling on more than I can handle.
Don't deal with one thing... So we'll move on to something else.. which ALSO won't be dealt with..
And so on and so forth..
I hate hiding. But I do it so goddamn much. Nobody really knows me, or how I'm feeling, or what's going on. I don't care to tell them. Is it because I don't care to know myself..? Oh, but I feel like I have to hide and conceal. Do I fear judgment or do I seek to protect them..? I often have this insane idea that I'm smarter than everyone else. Even if I don't know as many trivial facts or what's going on in the world, I do happen to know better than to waste my time with them.. So perhaps I try to protect some of these "silly" people.. spare them the details.. They wouldn't understand anyway..
But that's only my foolish thinking.
I do happen to know that others are filled with worlds of advice and experience, but I choose to ignore or avoid it.. 'Makes me uncomfortable, for some reason..
*sigh*
I've gotten nowhere.
The only thing, I think this diary would help clarify a lot of my thoughts and feelings. By not writing about them, I tend to avoid them.. And then I'm stuck in a maelstrom of confusion. And I'm losing my ability to keep up with practical things like deadlines and bills and cleaning.
I'm just one hazy tired dizzy confused mess.
With two people in love with me. I don't feel half as much for either of them. But I like to watch them being in love with me sometimes.. 'Wondering what it's like to have such intense emotion and need take over you that you would compromise your ideals or your goals or your plans.. Is that wrong..? I'm admiring them for it.. Not relishing in their pain and weakness.. The last thing I want to do is play with anyone's emotions.
Michael said it: "Me in love with you.. Him in love with you.. You in love with you.." But he said that last part in such a nice way.. As if he understood, or something.. So many things he can understand so perfectly..
I love and loathe myself at the very same time. I have my own wonderfully torturous romance with myself.. Why would I need anybody else..?
LJ