i came to a realization the other night.. while chatting online.. about just how much this whole marriage ordeal has impacted me and my life.
i've always looked to it as a huge learning experience, and even though everything was very hard to go through, i was still always grateful. because i was able to learn and grow so much from it.
but until the other night, i hadn't looked to it as something i "needed."
i was depressed. i had no concept of self-worth. i couldn't ever believe in myself. i hated myself. i was my own worst enemy. the works.
but then i have my do-or-die moment. make or break me.
i meet my nemesis. i meet.. me.
hello, danielle.. it's me.
i will take you down. [or, his exact words: "i will make your life a living hell."]
so interesting that we both had the same exact birthday. two virgo II's. two enigmas. unfathomable.
i had the challenge of my life, my friend.
he was taking over me. i was losing myself. i couldn't think for myself anymore. and the berating.. his words were reflecting into my concept of myself. as if i needed someone berating me again.. taunting me..
i was thinking.. in order to get to where i am now.. out of my depression.. it was like i needed something to fight for. so that i could finally team up with myself. and be on my side.
and, uhm.. jesus, after all i've been through how can i NOT love myself?
i had a huge choice to make. and i definitely made the right one.
i can get all giddy with myself now and say, look what we did, danielle.. look at all we did. we came through for you.
how can i ever doubt myself again..?
in one of those moments of truth.. i did the one thing i feared the most.
and i did alright.
and we came out on top.
we saved ourselves
he didn't own me anymore. and no one can ever own me again.
because i own myself now.
[i've waited for you to grow my whole life.. beautiful girl..]
LJ