i feel like i'm having trouble expressing myself, getting my words all tangled up.
last night was eventful. kind of chaotic. many things being thrown at me all at once. the phone.. it wouldn't stop ringing. and while on the phone.. it wouldn't stop beeping for the call waiting.
everyone has to wait their turn, sheesh. i know i'm fantastic, and just a thrill to get in touch with, but really.. only one of me to go around.
...
i've been sitting here for the past twenty minutes not typing anything. just my mind wandering. i can't seem to forge it into cohesive thought.
many different things.
and i'm not getting anything out.
first a phone call which i didn't answer. because i didn't recognize the number. only to find out later.. it was the husband's father. how.. odd.
i feel bad for his parents. they probably want to know how to get in touch with him. i want to help them.. but i was instructed not to.
and then my baby calls. he's crying. he saw a movie. i kept telling him he should see it. and so he's crying.. telling me how much he loves me, how much he misses me.
the guy who can be affected by chelsea walls.. is definitely the guy for me.
heh.
then jude called. i was waiting for that phone call. 'had to explain to him some changes. and now i know why i keep dreaming of him. and i want to learn more..
i'll ask. he'll teach. i'll learn.
and i think i told him more about my life and relationships last night than ever before. sober, at least. as well as exchanging observations about each other..
...
this entry is taking forever. there's something i'm not spitting out.
could be the pseudo-ephedrine, but i'm nervous and excited. i get to see my baby tomorrow. i hope i can be entertaining enough. i hope i can let this shield down.. why is it up? i don't want it up. there's something i'm afraid of..
i think i'm afraid of the brief taste i'll get of him, and that it won't be enough..
or.. well.. i'm afraid of ivan mucking anything up..
this goddamn weather.. that might be what it is.. a fucking long miserable weekend. nerves on edge. anticipation. a second storm. frances moving so ridiculously slow and driving everyone insane.
frances completely upset my balance. i had things planned, figured out, a drive to get going and get things done. and then frances juggled everything up for me.
...
i'm still not quite at ease. but i think.. maybe i will be, once i can see his eyes again. touch his face.. feel him close to me..
good god, how am i going to concentrate today?
LJ