banned books week at the library reminds me of where i was a year ago. i am in a much better place now. emotionally, at least.
a year ago this week, i attended a reading and discussion about banned books outside the front of the library in the gazebo. and i had what was probably my worst panic attack ever. while the discussion was fascinating, i had to leave in the middle of it for my class. leaving meant excusing myself, disrupting the discussion, and walking out of the gazebo in front of people. for some reason, that stressed the hell out of. and i sat there, half listening, trying to work up the courage for several minutes to speak up. i don't know why it was so hard. my palms were sweating profusely.. probably some dizziness or light-headedness.. but the worst was how fucking hard my heart was pounding. i looked down at my chest, and i could actually see my shirt twitch with each pounding heartbeat. this made me even more mortified and paranoid, because i was scared that someone else would notice and think there was something wrong with me.
i did get out of there okay.. but not without a lot of emotional and social stress.
today.. i am so far from that. having to excuse myself in the middle of a group wouldn't phase me at all. if i've got somewhere to go, i've got somewhere to go. it's my right to leave, and if i disrupt things for a sec, so be it. they can manage. and it's not my problem if i irritate anyone.
instead.. to attest to my social adeptness.. i had a staff party to go to today. a luau. a monthly "sweet treats" thing the staff association does. each month there's a different theme. before we dug into the cakes and fruits and punch, they wanted to do this traditional thing of passing on the lei. person who receives the lei, then grabs another lei to put on someone else. this would have been a very stressful thing to sit through in the past. i could have worried, what if no one gives me a lei? what if i'm the last one? or.. who should i give a lei once i get one?
but today.. no biggie. i can wing it. and the thing about forming social relationships with the people around you, is that you can feel a lot more secure in situations like that. zukina received a lei, and she then put a lei on me. sarah hadn't received a lei yet, so she was an easy choice for passing it on. she then passed on on to jude, who was half-involved as he was sitting at the table eating his lunch, and it was quite a challenge to fit the lei around his long dreads.. which made it funny. and the whole thing was enjoyable, and nothing in the least to be stressed about.
still, i was touched when zukina put a lei on me. and i think i heard someone say "aww.." maybe our boss. but we've been building this rapport of friendship status, doing things for each other that are just very sweet. and thoughtful. like.. i made her a mix cd of italian music before she went to italy. and she brought me back this darling mini angel calendar in italian.
since tomorrow's payday, i thought about asking her if she'd like to catch a movie after work or something. that's something we tried to do before i left for the summer, but our schedules didn't work out. i've never hung out with her outside of work. this means me initiating a social act out of context. or something..
seth, my old therapist, had challenged me to initiate a social act with people i'm not so close to. i've never been the one to do something like that. he specifically challenged me to initiate a celebration with my group members upon the completion of our project. i couldn't do it at the time, though. i felt too sick about the project and the whole class i was taking in general.
so if i do this, though.. it goes out to you, seth.
and it will be a damn good time because zukina's a cool chick.
LJ