i should be getting out right about now. but i don't because i suck. and, well, money's limited. if i drive down to where i'm thinking of driving, to hang out with my cousin, that means gas money that takes away money i already don't have for things like my car insurance and a cell phone bill.
yesterday was interesting, though. thanks to a sedative, i slept from 10pm the night before to 4pm yesterday. i was knocked the fuck out. my boyfriend called me four times before i actually heard it ring.
and then i went downstairs to grab a muffin from the vending machine. i saw asif, a guy i work with, so i said hi. it seemed to me that he couldn't get over the fact that he didn't recognize me because i looked so different. i explained to him i'd been sleeping all day. i was wearing an oversized green t-shirt and sleep pants, no makeup, no glasses, my hair tied back. i don't go in to work like that, so i guess i'd look pretty different.
i was thinking lately that i probably am too skinny now. in fact, the word that reverberates through my head whenever i see my hands, my shoulders, my hips is.. "boney." have i gotten boney? earlier this week when i caught my reflection in windows and mirrors and saw how skinny i looked, i was really half expecting someone to say at work, "danielle, you've gotten too skinny now." my family already says it. my boyfriend says it. "too skinny." huh. and i ate like a beast over the holidays. binging on cookies and brownies and chips, gobbling up high-carb foods like real pasta and rice every day. and i didn't gain any weight. if anything, i feel like i've lost even more. clothes are even loser. perhaps i didn't gain weight because i got sick at the end of my break and couldn't eat much for four days. maybe my body has become a super-metabolizing machine. or maybe.. it's the sign of a bad health problem where food is not getting digested and absorbed properly...
who knows.
i don't know what else.
i still feel listless and uninspired. i feel i've overstayed my welcome here in college. why am i not done yet? because i'm a lazy fuck? can i actually do this thing? i dunno.. my classes don't really interest me. i missed my first two classes on monday because i was feeling too ill. and then i discover that they're hybrid classes [half in person/half online] which makes not going in the first day less of a crime, but.. that also adds $295 for each class to my tuition bill. and i don't know if the financial aid i have now will cover it. perhaps i should accept the second loan while i have a chance. but that means more money to pay back. and i already fucked up with my first loan by giving about a thousand dollars of it away. when i meant to save it. for this semester. or whatever else i needed. car insurance. ick. i just don't learn... i want to help, but.. while he's digging his hole, i'm only digging my own by trying to help him.. i keep thinking 'dude has money. he can pay me back.' but dude won't really have money till he's thirty.
eh.
*shrug*
LJ