hmm...
Once in a while, I get a taste of how good life can feel. A brief moment of paradise, maybe? I don't know quite how to explain it, but it's just this feeling in my chest that suddenly makes me feel like life is worth living after all... It makes me feel life.. is good.. it's a content, peaceful feeling.. and at the same time, slightly excited.. it's the feeling of being alive, maybe.. feeling full of life..
The first time I noticed this feeling, I thought to myself, 'wow, is this how normal people feel all the time?' It would be so great if it could be.. I've never really considered myself normal. I've always felt bogged down w/ depression, plagued by social anxieties or whatever the hell is wrong with me. In essence, I've always felt that I don't really belong here. Which is not a very good feeling to live with. I still have yet to completely kick that out of my system. But this feeling of being alive.. sometimes it'll wash over me for no particular reason, sometimes brought on by a song, sometimes i can feel life when i finally let go and take a chance.. It's as if the poisons of my emotions are suddenly cleared and I'm actually breathing clean, fresh air for the very first time.. Today I could feel it for a brief 3 seconds while I was talking to my love online.. and listening to a version of Hyperballad done at the Tibeten Freedom Concert on RealAudio.. But.. this feeling comes and goes like waves..
Speaking of waves.. for some reason.. lately, I've been craving to be immersed in water. I've never been particularly attached to water, so why would I suddenly feel this yearning now..? I live so close to the beach.. but I have no car.. so the best relief I can provide myself with is to take a walk to the bay on campus and sit on a bench.. and feel the soothing effects of the water.. breath in the air.. you have no idea how relaxing that is..
But.. the other night (morning. heh. whatever).. it was 2 in the morning and I couldn't sleep (yes, I took a caffeine pill that day :p). I was feeling very alone and depressed. I wished more than ever that I had a car so that I could just hop in and go somewhere. But then I thought of how soothing it would be to sit at the bay. So I went for a walk... only to discover there was a cop car over there, so I thought 'uh.. maybe we're not allowed to go out there at night..' and I promptly walked back.. I was still feeling very depressed, so I just stood out at the edge of my floor (everything is open) and looked out, feeling very weepy and crumbly inside. Ever felt like.. you're not actually crying.. but your whole body feels like it's weeping..? It's a very bittersweet feeling.. Anyway.. I walked back to my dorm.. still very troubled by my emotions.. and I was thinking I had to do something. But what..? What could make this terrible feeling go away..? After a while I decided I just had to immerse myself in something. Don't think about it. Just take a chance. I still had trouble deciding what exactly to throw myself into and I forget if i figured out something that night or the morning after, but.. here's what I decided. I had the number of this girl in my class. She gave it to me because she was going to try to hook me up with a ride for a concert the week before.. And I decided I was going to call her and say this: "Hi, Jackie! It's Danielle.." ... "Hi, how are you?" ... "Well, hey, I was just wondering if you or anyone was doing anything this weekend... 'cuz i'm cooped up in this room all the time.. an' it's gettin' me depressed.." (Yes, I rehearse conversations before I start them.) Anyway, it was 4 am before I got to bed.. And in the morning (okay, it was 2:30 in the afternoon, but that's still "morning" to me), I called... and that's more or less exactly what I said.. In the end, I didn't have to spend a Friday night alone at home, and I ended up meeting other people in housing as well...