I think the thing I hate most about myself is my absolute fear of losing control. Because, at the same time, it's the one thing I want the most in the world.
To lose control.
To lose myself, become lost in the moment.
Consciousness can be a bitch sometimes.. heh..
But anyway, what I mean by this is.. Whenever I'm with other people, I find it so hard to just relax and be me. I find it hard to bring myself out of my little introverted hole and join in and converse with people. Because I'm constantly aware of the situation. I would love, for once, to just get lost in conversation. There are very few people that I've actually been able to do that with, one I know of for sure. There are very few people who know the real me (again, there's probably only one, but I don't think he knows me anymore because he doesn't care anymore..) an' I hate that. I want people to know who I am. I'm just so afraid of losing myself to you. But.. I am so conscious of the situation and of me.. and, because of my fear, I have to always keep myself back and under control. This leaves little room for my brain to be concentrating on what I can contribute to the conversation or how I feel about anything at all, such as what other people are talking about. I hate it.
I have to act pleasant, my brain tells me. I have to smile. Meanwhile I struggle with listening. Often, I'll laugh at appropriate areas or make facial expressions accordingly just so it won't be like I'm not there at all.
I hate this so much.
And I'm struggling now with trying to get out everything I want to say. My brain is so flighty.
But.. I want to lose control. I want to forget myself.. and just be myself.
More than anything, I want to be able to reach out and make a connection. And I can't do that if I'm constantly holding myself back.
But.. like I said.. very few people know the real me. [Right now, somewhere in the back of my brain is going.."yeah.. HA HA. You can't have me." I say now, shut up, man..] People online probably get more of a taste of the real me than those in real life.. I dunno.. there's just something about being able to talk to people without having to open my mouth that I really like. It's freeing, in a way. I'd love it if I was able to communicate telepathically.. heh.. Anyway.. if someone is interested in getting to know the real me.. it takes a long time.. and a lot of one-on-one time..
Anyway. < flighty brain struggling again > Last night, I was hanging with some people.. and.. for most of the time, I was quiet. But they were having such a great conversation, I really wished I could have joined in more. They were talking about stuff like "the art of conversation" and how little culture or comraderie Americans have toward each other. I was hanging with Hispanics.. [I love these Hispanics, man.. it feels like you're hanging out with family most of the time..] Truthfully, I really enjoyed their conversation. But I know I could have enjoyed it much more if I had been able to just let go and stop being so damned aware and join in.. At one point, however, later in the night [I know it was very little, but it was at least something..] M, the gossiper, said that this other girl was a lesbian. But then he admitted "Well, I don't actually know for sure." I, in my frustration [for I am never one to appreciate such gossip], blurted out, "Then don't say things like that!" and the other girl there, J, was like "Yeah.."
I took this as a tiny little accomplishment because it's usually me who says "yeah.." after someone points something out..
The rest of the night, I was able to put in little things here and there.. so I think I was warming up to these people. I would love for once to be able to lose myself in telling a story, tho.. I always admire when someone can just break out into a story.. If I ever start to.. I'll, again, become aware of myself.. and I'll falter.. 'try to cut the story as short as possible..
But.. getting back to how very few people know the real me.. The other day.. I was all by myself in my apartment.. an' I just got out of the bathroom. There had been a song playing in my rommate's bedroom (the girl always leaves her radio or tv on..) and it was in my head.. so I was humming it, loudly.. It's probably called "Reunited" or something.. 'always makes me think of d.. So I walked into my room, humming this song.. and I noticed the picture of d and me riding that RocknRollercoaster thing at MGM had fallen on the floor. [it's the only pic I have of d out anymore..] And I bent down to pick it up and put it back on the windowsill, still humming.. Then I turned around and saw that M was sitting on my bed. I jumped and let out a gasp. An' my first thought was.. this person had just stolen a glimpse of what I'm like when there's no one else around.. He just saw a few seconds of the real me, all guards let down, something hardly anyone ever sees. But he'll probably never realize, much less appreciate, what a rarity he saw.. [p.s. it's not like he just came out of nowhere. I was expecting him.. and my door was unlocked.. but I didn't hear him come in at all..]
But.. my goodness, I have so much more to say on this topic. This is getting really, long, tho, so I'll hafta continue it later..