*grumble, grumble*
I do NOT want write an entry right now. Even though it's been way too long. I'm feeling very lazy. Which is the only reason that I haven't been updating. Not that anyone cares or was having a heart attack over it or anything. But.. I'm forcing myself to write. I have stuff on my mind that I need to discuss with myself. [grr.. there is a delay between when I type a letter and when the letter appears on the screen... this is very annoying..]
Anyway. First thing on my mind is... I want a car. Dear god, I want a car so badly. Doesn't anybody love me? ..then why won't they give me a car..? When I go home for Christmas, I will be on a mission. My goal is to leave there.. and come back here for Spring semester in my own car. I don't care how crappy it looks, if there's no A/C or radio, if the interior is all stained or ripped up, if it has a terrible paint job, or how much of an eye sore is.. I just want something that can run dependably.. with working brakes.. and automatic.. The very basics. That's all I want. I am very serious about this. I know I am very naive when it comes to cars.. I know very little about what to look for.. so I'm hoping my brother or anyone else back home can help me with that. But.. seriously. Life sucks without a car. I am stuck here all the time. And I hate, hate, HATE depending on other people. Which means, of course, that I despise asking other people for rides..
[heh. wow. my neighbor is listening to "kissing you" by des'ree once again.. i love that song.. she must be pretty cool..]
Anyway. So I despise asking people for rides. And should I need something during the week.. I'm screwed. Like.. when I was sick, I needed to go to the pharmacy to get a prescription.. so I very grudgingly asked my roommate if she knew anyone who could give me a ride.. I hate asking for help.. I'm stubborn, I guess. I want to be able to do things by myself, dammitt!! That... and I hate bothering other people.. The parents have offered the big white boat I drive at home, otherwise known as a Lincoln Town Car. Now.. a Lincoln Town Car may be acceptable in the Clearwater area, where the roads are wide and the cars are few and everyone, for the most part, has manners on the road.. But I've been out driving w/ other people down here in Miami.. and experience tells me.. you've got to be able to squeeze.. But they refuse to trade the car in. Why? What does it matter? I don't know.. What's wrong with getting a car that's a little more practical..? So.. since nobody loves me.. an' they won't trade the car in.. I'm left to hunt and pay for a car myself. Why hadn't I done this sooner? One reason: insurance. This left me with an unending circle of doom. I need a job to pay for insurance.. but I can't get that job because I don't have a car.. no job=no car. So.. I've decided to take a chance on making that equation unbalanced for a bit.. I find a car... then I can find a job.. I'm determined. I can't stand this any longer. I'm on my own.. in this great city.. but I can barely do anything..
*sigh* ah well.. now that I've exhausted that to death.. I'll move on..
so.. what else.. I'm changing.. slightly.. okay, I've changed a lot.. but.. purple no longer catches my eye.. orange does.. and my hair.. I'm hating my hair color right now.. it no longer feels me. I want to dye it a lighter color.. something closer to my natural hair color..
I am losing [or have lost already] all faith in love.. From the time I was born until about a few months ago.. love is what I lived for. But now.. love no longer seems real. It seems fake. An illusion. I see couples tenderly kissing or holding one another.. Before.. I could feel it.. I could feel love.. And I would long to be with my love. Now.. I'll feel numb to it.. or I might feel a slight disgust for these people fooling themselves. Right there, in that moment, they think it will last.. It won't last. I thought love lasted forever. It was my firm, undoubting belief.. But I was wrong..
[so just let it all go/ nothing ever stays the same/ so why does it hurt me like this/ to say that I've changed/ to say that I've aged/ say I'm afraid..]
I'm not sorry, though. I don't regret any of it. I've already lived the one dream I had for this life: to be completely and hopelessly lost in love.. the only question is.. what next? what can I live for now..? What can I exist for..? Often, I'll actually feel like all that's left is to wait for the end..
I'm just waiting.. :)
LJ