I think I need to die..
If I haven't already..
When I was depressed, it wasn't so bad.. at least I could feel something.. those bittersweet pangs.. It was energy, nonetheless. There was still a driving force. I could feel the clutch of life in my chest.
Now, however.. I feel nothing. Hurt is painful [go figure], but nothingness.. is horrifying. It's so damn empty. And there is nothing to cling to. I feel as though I am floating. But it's not freeing. Rather, I am floating uncontrollably. It is quite disorienting.
It's the difference between hate.. and complete apathy. If you hate someone, you still care.. because you still give a damn enough to even have feelings toward them or to even think of them and allow them to take up some of your energy. But to feel absolutely nothing toward another human being.. nothing at all..
It's cold..
Wrap me up.
Hold me tight.
Keep me warm.
I miss having Dan to talk to.. He was the only person I had this obssessive compulsive need to tell everything to.. to constantly try to explain what I'm feeling.. or to offer any random thought.. My thoughts and feelings, instead, echo unheard inside me.. They don't see the light of day anymore.. They no longer have anything to cling to..
I think... I am losing myself...
LJ