Ugh. Wow. It's been a stressful week. It's been an absolutely rotten week. Why? Because I had found out Saturday that I went over in my bank account. Why'd I do that? Because I am way too nice of a person. And because I failed to take into consideration that there is a delay between when you pay for something with your checkcard.. and when it actually shows up on your balance.
So.. I learned a lot this week. So much that I think I'll make a list right now...
The main lesson I learned this week is.. Never depend on anyone besides yourself. Especially when you need it most. I already knew that I hate depending on other people.. I really hate it.. you have no idea.. and it drives me even more nuts when the person I'm depending on doesn't come through. I was very broke this week. Someone owed me money. I needed money this week. They said they'd get it to me, not to worry. Today is now Sunday. I had to resort to calling home yesterday and asking my parents to get some money out of my money market account at home.. and western unioning it to me.. so I wouldn't starve.. so I could buy oil for my car.. so I could clean my dishes.. so i could get my checking account back into positive numbers.. 'Cuz that's another thing I can't stand: debt. I absolutely hate being in debt. If I have a debt to pay, it will loom over my head.. I will not stop thinking about it until it is cleared. It will drive me nuts. That's why I have not yet gotten a credit card. I don't like the idea of buy now, pay later. I liked the way, with my checkcard, I can just pay for it at the spot and not worry about it ever again.. However, I was not aware that checkcards don't alert you when you're out of money.. and you keep paying for stuff.. and then the bank slaps you with overdraft fees. About 100 dollars of the debt was actually mine.. and the other 300 dollars or so made up the overdraft fees. That, right there, makes me very uneasy. 300 of my dollars now.. down the drain.. wasted on fees that I didn't even know I'd be charged with. I'm furthermore uneasy that I had to take a little bite out of my money market account for this shit.. It was fun goin' on trips 'n stuff, huh? And now you're broke, Danielle.. :p
So I'm worried now. I am very uneasy. I wanted to get an apartment here for the summer or beyond. How am I going to pay for school next year? How will I handle now the varioius daily living expenses? Will they continue to eat away at the money I've saved up? Sometimes.. Actually, I've even told myself.. the time that I run out of money.. that's probably when I'll die. I really don't plan on living long.. what the hell is there for me to do here? I feel like my soul has been ripped, torn, beaten, crushed.. from various abuses all throughout my life.. There is very little left of me.. Very little life left.. Is it possible to get back what has died away..? I don't know.. But.. that's why I want to be an accountant, I think.. I want to learn how to be smart in managing money.. I want to learn how to make money.. It's almost the same as when I wanted to be a shrink.. I wanted to find out what the fuck was wrong with me..
Anyway. Lesson #2. I am way too nice for my own good. Way too nice. I need to start being more selfish, I think. But I don't give a shit about myself.. so I like doing nice things for other people. It makes me happy to please another person. I guess I'm almost like a parasite in that way.. I can't make myself happy.. so I like to make others happy when I can.. However.. if I do you a favor.. especially something substantial.. and even more especially I do many favors for one person.. I dunno.. call me crazy, but.. I expect something in return.. and in a timely manner.. something to show a little gratitude.. so I don't have to feel quite so used.. But.. see.. when I'm too nice, I get taken advantage of. I need to speak up for myself. Take a stand. But.. see.. it's hard to do that when you don't give a shit about yourself... Y'think I'll ever learn, tho? I practiced a litte this weekend.. Julius was nice enough to pick my friend and I up both Friday and Saturday night.. so I didn't have to drive anywhere.. and he even went to a stranger's house to pick up some groceries for me.. and.. tho, I had money last night.. I wasn't going to be paying for anything.. unless it was for myself.. For instance, after a few hours of hanging out.. we were all starving. Nobody had any cash on them.. 'cept for me. I wasn't going to pay for anyone, but I was hungry.. I don't care if you starve while being forced to watch me eat my shit. I needed some food. But.. one of the guys had a credit card.. so he was able to use it at Denny's for himself and the other guys.. and.. well.. my poor friend got her wallet stolen with 300 bucks in it on the busride down here, so.. shit, I thought it was the least I could do to buy her some dinner.. heh..
Yeah. So I'm way too nice. Just this night, a friend of mine was over. He was hungry. I told him I had cheese dogs. He told me to make him some. He told me to make him two, put 'em in bread. I joked a bit, sayin', 'why should I? you can do that yourself.' Meanwhile, the little girl voice in my head pouts and lets out a little whine of "Don't boss me around.." I thought I only had 2 left.. I told him that. Luckily, he told me he'd only have one, then. Otherwise, I probably woulda let him have both. I'm that nice. I don't know how to say no... So.. I got him his cheese dog, warmed it up, put it in bread. And I asked him if he wanted ketchup, too.. heh.. and delivered it to where he was lounging in my bed. "I am slave. You are master." And later, as I was letting him use my computer, I had to ask.. "Are you thirsty, too?" Mmm.. perhaps it's just part of being a good host, but I'm a starving college student right now... I don't need to be offering anyone my food or drink.. But.. I'm thinking.. years of a rigid childhood.. always being told what to do.. I'm a little helpless now when no one tells me what to do.. I almost like being told what to do, sometimes.. that way I don't have to think.. heh.. But.. yeah, an' now I don't know how to say no.. I should be chinese.. [or was it japanese..?] Even when I need to say no, I won't come right out and say it.. I'll try to explain why I can't do something, expecting the other party to understand that means I'm saying no.. It's especially bad when a sales person catches me.. My very first instinct is to say 'yes, I'll do whatever your asking me to do.' But.. I'll realize.. nope. 'can't afford it. Or it would be senseless to spend my money for this. But they sense my lack of firmness, and they keep hassling me. Until I have to interrupt them and say, "Okay... I'm telling you.. No."
Yes. So this is me. Isn't it fun to be learning about me? ..I remember.. when I first met Dan.. I was so smitten by him.. I actually thought to myself.. "God.. I would love to have a class where they just teach me all about Dan.. That would be the greatest class.."
Heh..
LJ