What's it like to fall in love?
Mmm.. I think I remember. I fell in love with his mind. I am not attracted to physical bodies.. I am attracted to thoughts. Feelings. Something insightful. Something to expand your mind. Something to make you look at a common everyday object as if you've never seen it before. He had a poetic way of saying things. [No, that doesn't mean you have to rhyme :p] He was nice to me. He was sweet. Sweeter than anyone's ever been to me in my life. He could make me look at things in a whole new light. And I often liked his light better. He was mental stimulation. He became comfort. He became meaning. He became life.
Heh..
I feel so alone right now.. [oh, I know you've heard it before.. whine, whine, pity me, complain, etc.. But it's true. It's how I feel. And I know no one cares about how I feel right now, but.. blech..] I yearn for comfort.. a hug.. a caring thought or gesture.. something.. I am alone in this world. I hang out with people here.. people who have been such good friends for years.. They have stories on each other. They know each other so well.. They grew up together.. I don't really have that. I, in a way, wasn't allowed to have friends growing up. I'd be invited to birthday parties and whatnot... but it was a very long time before I was allowed to do anything like that. I never had anybody's house to go over to. I never had anyone to hang out with after school or on the weekends.. I feel like I've been given a social handicap. I was never encouraged to be a social person, growing up. If anything, that was discouraged.. So.. I feel like I've missed out on a lot. Actually, I know I've missed out on a lot. Frequently, my black spots of not having real contact with the outside world will be made apparent.. It's hard for me to build relationships.. really hard.. but I crave a connection with another human being, nonetheless.. There's only one person that I feel I've been truly successful with.. An' look where that's gotten me.. If anything.. I feel even more discouraged from trying.. I feel like I have no worth.. to be so easily tossed aside.. Even worse.. I feel like a leech.. a parasite.. That's another reason I keep my distance from people.. I'm afraid of coming across like that.. and I definitely don't want to allow myself to be like that..
And so.. as this night closes.. I am faced with the question.. What good am I to anyone?
LJ