"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear..
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the
fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal.
But lately I am beginning to find that
I should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.. with open arms and open eyes..."
.
Hullo hullo. Danielle has been in a good mood the past 2 days. For the first time in about a month. I swear, all this month I have been so stressed out. Mostly because of money. Lack of money tends to stress me out. But.. I dunno.. I think I've finally let go of my fears and worries and such. I only have 40 bucks in my checking, I have 500 less in my savings.. but.. I'm alright. I'm still here. I'm alive. I'll adapt. I'll get through this. I finally sent my FAFSA out.. so.. soon I'll find out what I get from that.. and that will also give me a little more of a breather.
But. I dunno. This good mood. It all started yesterday morning. 'Finally woke up on the right side of the bed, I guess. Or maybe it was the dreams I had the night before, though I barely remember them. But I woke up feeling like it was the morning after like some horrible disaster in the night. I felt how I often feel walking out of the movies.. Movies often have this way of providing refreshment for the soul, I think.. Good ones, anyway. So I woke up, feeling like it was the morning after some horrible disaster in the night.. the worst part was over.. and suddenly life was all fresh and new. And I had this song in my head:
"Sweet Caroline/ Good times never seemed so good.. / I've been inclined/ To believe they never would.."
Not a bad song to wake up to. I love my dreams, though. They're like watching a movie for me. I've got all the fancy camerawork in my head, dramatic effects, even soundtrack going on in the background. It's great. Often I'll wake up with an original song that my subconcious made up in my head.. But it never stays in my head long, sadly.. My dreams are adventures. My dreams are fucked up, often. I love 'em. Fiona Apple may not go to sleep to dream.. but I do. [ha!]
I've got a secret to tell you. Shh. You can't tell anyone, okay? This is something I don't think I've ever told anyone. 'Cuz it's silly. But.. Somewhere waaay in the back of my head, I've always had this secret fantasy of being an actress. To totally put my head in another character and become them.. temporarily.. to work perfection in my lines and gestures.. I used to fantasize about it. I wowed people.. "she's a natural.. born to act.." *shrug* I know it's silly.. My other fantasy was of being a musician.. I would be 'the girl and her clarinet'.. heh.. Or.. I would be a singer. I would sing a song so sad.. so haunting.. with so much feeling.. so much pain.. My audience would feel the pain, their heart would clench and cry and yearn like mine.. It's such a thrill and a release to perform in front of people. I know, I used to play sax/clarinet in bands/orchestras, etc. all growing up. I played solos w/ my clarinet in a jazz band.. you get nervous, but it's a good healthy rush. And playing classical music in an orchestra.. the music sweeps you away. You get lost playing the notes.. making the song come alive.. nourishment for the soul.. sex without touching.. release.. expression.. I want to get back into that, peforming.. All I have is my clarinet, though. And I'm so out of practice. But I can do it. I can pick it back up again..
Anyway. Back to my good mood. Another thing that had me down this month is I feel very alone. I longed for comfort from another human being. I held on to the past.. Finally, I think I was able to let go. I am still alone, but I'm alright. I'm good. "Wherever you go, there you are", right? I am always in the company of myself, whether I like it or not. Usually, I try to avoid myself. I try to get my happines from other people. But I need to learn to like myself. I need to learn to be able to enjoy my own company. 'Cuz.. if I can't find anything interesting in myself.. how can I ever expect someone else to find something interesting in me?
In the past, I looked for my nourishment from outside sources.. I need to learn how to nourish myself. I need to learn to identify with myself. 'Cuz, like, I said, I tend to avoid myself. Even the counselor said.. I have, like, disassociation issues or whatever.. But, like.. my stepdad used to film different family stuff on his camera.. I often tried to stay away from the camera as much as possible.. but I remember.. the few times he caught me.. I looked at myself.. and I liked what I saw. If I saw her in real life, I'd want to give her a hug. And I liked her voice. I just wish she talked more. :)
Right now I'm in a good mood.. I will continue to feed this good mood with positive thoughts. It's the only way to go. I don't necessarily have people to hang out with this weekend, which is something I'd normally despair over, but I'm okay with that. Besides, I do have stuff to do.. Tomorrow morning, Saturday, I'm going to the beach again to work on my tan.. then I'm going to a museum in the afternoon with a group from housing here.. Then Sunday.. hehe.. I'm going to pass out free samples of a new flavor of mentos on the corner of a street in Miami Beach. For 12 bucks an hour, baby. I'm actually looking forward to this. It'll be interesting. I'll be doing something.. meet some people.. plus I find it absolutely hilarious that I'll be passing out MENTOS, of all things.. Just the comicalness [is that a word?] of the situation will get me through those 4 hours quite nicely, I think.. :)
Anyway.. Peace out.
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