Hi. I'm a little overdue for an entry, I know. Anyway.. ugh. Everything is so complicated right now. And I am under so much stress, I can barely breathe. There are just so many things that are up in the air that I don't know what to do about. There are many decisions I have to make. And the most stressful for me, there is money to worry about. Lack of money is at the very root of my problems. 'Cuz.. if I had enough money.. then all of my other problems wouldn't be too much of a big deal. But not having the money makes everything 100 times worse.
Alright, I'll talk in specifics now. My first problem of the day is that I no longer have a car with me. I drove home this past weekend, and then attempted to drive it back down here Sunday night, only to find the poor thing couldn't take it. Just about an hour on my way, I saw that the temperature gauge was getting dangerously close to the "H". Upon this observation, I decided to stop right away and let the thing cool. A phone call to my parents made me face the reality that I wasn't going to be able to drive my baby back to Miami. So.. I sat around for about 20 minutes in front of a Circle K, started my car again, saw that it was back down to Cool, and then went on my way back towards home. About 10 minutes away from home, I decided to stop at a gas station.. then engine was getting hot again, and I wanted to make a phone call. After my phone call, I went back to my car, only to find it wouldn't start. I got out of my car, clapped my hands, and laughed out loud. This night was just turning out way too great.
So.. then called AAA to have my car towed back home. This was a pretty scary experience, since the guy who came was hitting on me the whole ride to my house. Ugh. And when we weren't talking, he would keep looking over at me and smile. Just as he was pulling into my street, I was telling him how I was trying to get back to Miami, and he responded, "Oh, why didn't you have me take you down to Miami? I would've driven you there.." If he had acted a little more professionally, I would have immediately jumped at that. Because.. my main concern above all was to get back to Miami. But.. this guy.. I really don't think I would have been able to stand 4 hours on the road with this guy. Even my brother, who had walked outside in his robe when we pulled in, had noticed the way that guy looked at me and how obvious it was that he was hitting on me..
So anyway.. next plan was to leave the car there and take the next bus down. That would be 10 am. The next morning, however, around 8:15 am, my grandparents came by with an offer. They wanted to give me their 95 Lincoln Town Car right then and there. Like, they were all prepared to take it over and have the title signed over to me that day. I really struggled.. and hesitated over this. And for a number of reasons. For one, it really, I mean really, makes me uncomfortable when someone wants to just give me something, and especially something so big and valuable. I don't like to be given things. I don't know why. It just makes me uncomfortable. I would rather be the one giving or doing something to help another person out. But, for me.. I would so much prefer to be able to just take care of things myself. I don't like reaching out to people, and I don't like depending on other people or being indebted to them. I dunno. It just makes me uncomfortable. I feel really uneasy. *shrug*
Anyway, another reason is because it's a really big car. Which means it's a pain to park and to drive in congested traffic. Plus, it's just so nice.. everything's automatic and digital and all these extra needless features.. just waiting to be broken and ruined by me. Ha. But.. that's another thing, I dislike needless extras. I prefer the bare minimum. I don't want to feel like I'm driving a limo everywhere I go. That's why I so loved my car. She was just what I needed. She was simple and practical. Exactly what I wanted. I even gave her a name. It was Suzanne..
But.. So they took me to drive it around, see how I liked driving it 'n stuff.. An' I'll tell ya, it wasn't as bad as that older Lincoln I used to drive all the time.. But I couldn't bring myself to have it be officially mine. It was just too soon. Too much was being thrown at me. I needed time to think this over. So.. they came up with the idea of putting me on their insurance for awhile so I can drive it down to Miami. But.. upon calling their insurance company and finding out it would cost them an extra 800 or so dollars.. they, understandably, decided not to do that. I really did not want to be costing them all that money.. So it was back to the bus. Only.. it was about 9:40 now. And my brother didn't know how to get to the bus station. I hadn't taken a shower yet. And while we were trying to get the directions hurriedly from my mother, she informed me that we were not going to make it in time.
This is when I lost it. And I really don't lose it often. But.. I finally exploded. So much pressure, I exploded. I was crying, I was cussing, I was screaming, I was lashing out. But still.. dear Danielle, always thinking of the other person, always holding back to keep control, in the midst of my losing it, I was screaming at my brother, "PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!! DON'T GET OFFENDED!! I'M JUST LASHING OUT BECAUSE I AM SO UNBELIEVABLY PISSED OFF!!!" Kinda funny, if you think about it.. I think.. after years of growing up w/ my mother yelling and losing it at me.. I don't ever want to be like that.. So I fight it. I don't want to lash out. I hold it in. And in the one time I finally lose it, I make sure to let the other person know that it's not them.. that I am just trying to deal with my own frustration. I kinda like this quality in me.. :)
Anyway. So it turned out, my grandparents offered to just take me there. My brother came, too. That was hard for my grandparents and I'm sure it was an inconvenience to my brother, so I am very grateful to them for that. My main concern was that I needed to get back here. I have classes and studying to do, especially now that the semester is coming to a close.. Plus.. I longed to be back in Miami. It's funny. Some people get homesick when they're in college, away from home. I never did, not even a little bit. But I get homesick when I'm away from Miami. I just like this place a whole lot better. Something about it, I don't know how to explain it. I dunno.. But.. in the words of Bjork.. "This is where I'm staying/ This is my home.."
LJ