Mmm.. We went on a short little trip to South Florida these past two days. Getting some preparations done so I can go back to school there.
An awful thing occurred on the way, though. We were a little more than an hour into traveling when we decided to stop for some breakfast at Burger King, and I realized.. Oh my god.. I. forgot. my. purse.
A purse carries extremely important items, and we couldn't continue on our way without them. So.. we had no choice. We had to go back.
And on that drive back to the apartment, I became extremely depressed. Because I started thinking about how I'm losing my mind. To forget my purse, my god. I know it happens, but.. It's the way my head feels that I know there's something wrong.
Something really wrong.
I'm losing my ability to think for myself. Hunbun does all the talking, all the planning, never shuts up, never leaves me alone, refuses to pursue a life of his own, so.. where is there room for me to think for my fucking self?
He's getting to me. Eating into my brain. I felt, in that drive back to my apartment, how he was destroying me.
I didn't even understand why we were exactly making that trip to South Florida. Phone calls could have been made instead of a 3-4 hour trip, forms mailed out. But I was just doing what he said.. And I couldn't think clearly enough to even be motivated myself.
It's like.. I'm just being led around blindly. After they had me go around in circles. So that I'm dizzy, too. Fuzzy.
I dunno.
But I can't have someone speak for me. I can't have someone plan for me. Even though, I know I have the type of personality that seems to encourage it.
But I can't have it.
I lose the ability to think for myself.
And without that, I'm nothing more than a fucking puppet. Or a drugged up whore.
I tell him over and over, I'm not in love with him.
I tell him over and over, we do not work.
He's still madly in love with me.
And I don't want to hurt him. I just wish he could see it somehow.
See what he's doing to me.
We worked out so much better as "just friends."
But we still depend on each other financially. And he still loves me. And.. I'm too timid to really hurt someone. Knowingly. Intently. No matter how much it damages me.
And.. I don't know of any way out. Or any place to turn to.
My bruised and smothered heart cries out for freedom every fucking unbearable day.
He's become my barrier between me and reality. Me and everyone else.
And.. I dunno..
LJ