But I'm really so confused right now. 'Don't want to deal with anything. 'Just want to sleeep..
I'm moving in, like, what- 5 or 6 days..? And the only thing I've accomplished so far towards getting ready for that is, yesterday, I finally organized and put away all my CDs. They were a little bit of everywhere, since I would listen to one and never put it back, but.. Woo, big accomplishment, right? I suck so bad.
The two of us had a good conversation last night, though. I spelled out very clearly for him exactly how it was. Or is. Because he was confused at how I would be hot and cold, basically. But I told him.. I do mean I am sorry when I am a bitch to him, but.. just because I'll get affectionate sometimes or whatever.. it doesn't mean forever. But.. at this moment, we are financially dependent on one another.
*shrug*
I miss how.. when I was in love, just his face, just his voice, or even just his breathing would soothe every single worry or tense spot and I'd feel warm all over, and the world would be right and bliss would be mine. But with this guy.. looking at him, hearing his voice.. I instantly tense up and all I feel is stress.
But anyway, what was I saying..?
Oh yeah. So after that conversation, we made a list of what I'd be taking with me.
How very productive of us.
Oh, but we also talked about how awful this past year was. And it truly was. It was my year in hell. Most of it is a blur, thank god. But I also don't like that my brain doesn't have the faintest recollection of things I did this past year. Like a little chunk of my life has disappeared. I still feel like I've only been in Orlando a couple months. And I even keep forgetting that I used to work at a gas station.
Mental deterioration at 21.. How absolutely awful..
I'm afraid this year gave my brain some bad habits. Like retreating in the past.. anything to not deal with what's in front of me. But the problem with always looking back is.. if you keep doing that, how are you ever going to know where the fuck you are going??
Someone wake Danielle up. I don't seem to be very good at it.
It'll be a new year now. A fresh new start, hopefully. Or a fresh new start over. I'll be in a different city at the start of this new year. I'll even be on my own again for a little while.
I am worried about my brain. If I'll ever get it to focus right again. If you walk around in a daze for too long, you can get stuck like that, I think.
What will it take to clean out the cobwebs, I wonder.
LJ