Hrm. So it comes out in an AIM conversation:
DeleriumS (9:08:44 PM): i don't want to be with him
< Hunbun's sn > (9:08:50 PM): You do you liar
DeleriumS (9:09:03 PM): aaron, no i don't
DeleriumS (9:09:08 PM): i just want something like it again
DeleriumS (9:09:15 PM): and it's the only thing i can fall back on
Meaning, he is the only experience I have that I can come back to. It's not Him. It's the experience. Which is a very important distinction to make. Very important in sorting all this guck out.
And it always seems to come out best in defending myself to Hunbun. He'll accuse me of something like that, and I'll suddenly come up with a response that makes more sense than anything else I tried. Like.. deep down, I knew it all along. It's just, the focus, or my approach was wrong.
It's extremely important to make crucial distinctions like that, because if you cling to the wrong one, your head gets fucked up all the more.
p.s. True Story: In WebDesign class today, which takes place in a computer lab, I was getting antsy so I decided to browse the web. I thought of a clothesline I liked, "antropologie." So I typed "anthropologie.com" in the address bar, but I must have somehow spelled it wrong because when I pressed enter, it led me to "hanky-panky-college.com" along with at least five other porn pop-ups. Woopsie. I quickly deleted them all without thinking at lightning speed and, luckily, no one noticed. :)
LJ