"But is it fast enough so you can fly away..?"
I browsed a couple self-help books this evening at barnes and noble. One, The Portable Therapist, by Susanna McMahon especially caught my interest. I've added it to my list of books to get.
A special browsal reading of note was a section/chapter on crying. The question was, Why do I cry so much? OR Why can't I cry? Until that moment, I never thought of the two as being the same. I mean.. yes, I used to cry all the time.. but when you can't cry anymore, it means you're strong now, right..?
Of course not. In many ways, I'm worse off.
Both excessive crying and the inability to cry stem from the same problem, supposedly, and that is.. not trusting the "natural processes" of life.
I am guilty. I am so ridiculously guilty that I don't want to admit it, but I'm forcing myself to.
Crying too much or not at all are both reactions to this state. This.. inability to face reality. The cryer becomes messy and we eventually grow tired of it and tell him to put himself together. The non-cryer becomes the stoic, avoiding reality, he is unfeeling and hence, becomes unrelatable to other people.
At least as far as I understood it to be.
I need help.
I am dripping with terror and fear.
It would be nice to have a friend, but.. that's my own fault. Unloading on someone who's paid to listen to you seems so wrong, but.. *sigh* I have to make the time.
I do so many things to undermine myself.. such fucking twisting tormenting things..
Crap, it would just be so nice if I knew what it felt like for someone to care about me again [in a healthy way, that is]. Even better, I would love to know what it would be like for me to care again..
I care about my life at least. I care enough that I know I don't want to live and die this way and it's all I can think about.
But I'm still so fucking terrified. People don't go into battle or play sports games or perform a play without some "encouragement." It'd be nice to have some encouragement. "Let's take Danielle out for some coffee or ice cream. She's been going through such a hard time and all she can think about is her worries. Let's show her what it's like to have a good time again. She makes it so hard on herself.."
"Let's give her a pep talk. Let's show her she can do this.."
Yeah..
nice dream..