Have I given up on myself..?
I'd hate to give that impression. I don't think I've given up. I'm just squirming a lot in some very tight space.
Like a caterpillar trapped in a cocoon..
I am terrified, I can't reiterate that enough.. But I don't think I've given up. My brain won't let me. I do like myself. I do make good company for myself. I could do many things. If I didn't feel this puppy dog-like creature always pulling me backwards..
It's this dissonance of living with someone I really and truly don't want to live with and can think of nothing else, other than somehow getting to the privilege of living with only myself again. [Or a roommate who wouldn't bother me, I wouldn't mind..] It's this yearning to be free and feeling I am so far away from that goal..
I haven't given up on myself. I am an enigma to myself. Sometimes it horrifies me or depresses me the lengths that my subconscious goes through to "protect" myself. Other times, it's fascinating.. I constantly read self-help books, as hokey as that may be, fully dedicated to continually uncover and reveal myself to me. It's a horrifying process. I feel naked. I feel inside-out. But every day, my constant thoughts revolve around how am I going to reach the surface again? Or, maybe, for the first time..?
I can think of nothing else. I'm studying classes for a degree, yes, but my most important studies to me right now are of me and of life.
I want to trust myself again.
I want to trust life again.
I have to battle with myself all the time to open up to me.. and let me trust.. Because I keep trying to "protect" myself.
*
"Heyy..! You used to live in housing!"
I had a 30-40 minute conversation with someone I've never spoken to before today. It's the longest conversation I've had in person in many many months [aside from the obvious, with the person I live with]. I finally got a chance to practice what it was like.. the give and take.. finding something to offer to keep it going..
I have his phone number. We might go for some live reggae music this weekend.
Not romantic, mind you, though -of course- I wouldn't be fully aware of his intentions, now would I?
But I know mine at least.. And I would just love for a night out to simply enjoy. To be around people who have no reason to ask much of me. To feel the energy of uplifting, not burdensome, company.
I honestly did not remember him at all. But he remembered a lot about me, of what he saw in passing. Which struck me as funny, and charming. I never think of myself as the type anyone would remember..