So I went to the counseling apointment today. Nothing much to note.. just introductory stuff.. But I keep playing it over in my head.. wondering if I should have stated things differently.. or if I should've said more..
I was only answering his questions.. Then, when I didn't have anything else to say, I would look around and wait for him to ask another question. And I would only mention something if he asked the right question. But that's silly because I'm the one asking for help here.
I have other things I should've mentioned, though.. Like my so-called panic attacks.. Are they psychological or physical? It doesn't happen that often, but at the same time, I don't go out that often, either. I didn't mention my short-lived relationship that I abruptly ended a few months ago.. and what the hell that was all about.. *shrug* I don't know what else I should've added, but I'm sure there's a lot more..
I kept waiting for leading questions. But they didn't lead me enough.. I kept waiting for him to ask me if there was anything else I should add.. He instead kept asking if I had any questions..
Of course not. No questions. Just the implied statement of "help me."
I never have questions, man.. And if I do, I'll just ask google.
Or.. the husband guy.
Something else I was gonna mention..
Oh yeah.
Last week.. or whatever week was "Banned book week" at our campus.. I was invited at work to attend one of the readings that the library staff was doing at the gazebo in front of the library. Fifteen minutes, she said it would be. Sounded like interesting fun to me. But fifteen minutes soon turned into over forty-five.. and I had to leave for a class. So I was sitting in the gazebo, listening to the fascinating discussion and, at the same time, trying to find an opening or break where I can excuse myself, stand up and leave.
And.. thinking about having to excuse myself - I wanted to be polite - was, for some reason getting me very nervous. Just the thought of having to speak up.. I felt my heart thumping. It was thumping so hard that I looked down at my chest and, yes, I could literally see my shirt twitch with each heart beat. I was mortified and prayed no one else in the gazebo could see or notice it.
But.. this is not normal behavior, is it? To be so damn mortified to excuse myself in front of a group of about six people???
What the hell is wrong with me?
Seriously.
Someone tell me if this is normal or not.
But.. I've been thinking about it all day and it's been really stressing me out.. and.. I've decided.. I really want to drop my Business Communication class, that I've been taking online. Two projects are scaring the hell out of me: (1) A 30-minute group presentation, and even worse (2) a 5-minute persuasive speech. I can't fucking do shit like that now. I have too much fucking fear and anxiety prickling away at me right now. But.. I have to figure out what kind of toll that would take with financial aid..
It's stupid, I know. And I really wish I could be normal like the rest of you.
LJ