The thing about internal hells.. they don't go away on their own. Even when caught in the middle of one.. you might think to yourself, "Things will get better.. It won't always be this bad.. things will get easier.." So you just slide through and wait for things to get better.
But they don't. And they never will. Not unless, I think, you set out to do the one thing that terrifies you the most. Whatever that may be.. whatever it is you're afraid of doing. But I can assure you it almost always has to do with a person needing to make a change. A significant change. A life-defining change.
So.. it's very hard. For anyone caught in the web of their own internal hell.
I have an uncle, he's 51. He's still caught in the same love-less marriage, and things are getting worse. The kids are all grown up and moved out. Now it's just them two.. He's mentioned two options in letters to the family: 1run away back home to his parents, 2suicide.
He's 51.
But there's a lesson here.. He's known for a long time he wasn't perfectly happy with his wife. I've heard people talk, and he's even told the story to me himself.. of how there was this other girl that he was in love with. But she rejected him.. And, well.. dare I say he married "on the rebound"..?
Not so much different than me..
But the lesson. If you see signs that things aren't good, if you aren't happy in your situation.. act on those instincts.. because things won't get better on their own. Perhaps you'll be careening further and further into your hell. Everything decaying as you go through the necessities of life.. but when it's all said and done.. when you're left to yourselves again.. what will you have..? Anything..? Sure, you'll still be left with the problems that you started out with. I mean, look at this: running away, or killing yourself.. these are options that depressed and angsty teenagers toss around in their head. Not a man in his early 50's.
Early 50's.. Doesn't most everyone assume that things will be "straightened out" by then? By this age, people are supposed to be stable, right? Have their life together.. Smooth sailing to the last days..
Nah. Apparently, it doesn't happen like that.
And, I guess.. if you would like it to happen like that.. Better get your shit together now. Better sooner than later.
Better to do it before you've wasted your entire life away on something you don't want.
are you listening, danielle..?
LJ