The question addressed to the class was: "Are you moral?"
Although I wasn't called upon, I still followed the discussion and tried to devise my own answers in my head. The first response was the expected one: "Yes. Of course." But I don't know if I would answer in that way because it was expected of me, or if I truly believe it. Because.. no one would really admit to not being moral, would they? And.. if I am moral.. I'd have to say that I am moral "in my own way." Even if a person indulged in all the basest and horrifying of actions.. wouldn't they still have a justification for it? Doesn't everybody want to be, or believe that, they're "moral"?
Once someone answered "yes" to being moral, the question then was, "What makes you moral?" The answer: "My beliefs and values."
A second person answered, "the way my parents taught me."
I, uhm.. almost laughed at that one. That people actually paid attention to parental teachings..? I mean, with the kind of strict Catholic upbringing I had.. as well as other things that I don't care to mention in this.. the only real choice I had to survive and have any sense of being my own person was to throw it all out. And that I did. But, yet somehow.. the insecurities and fears still seeped through. But that's a different story, not for this time.
I'm going to hell? I don't believe in hell.
Makes it a lot easier, doesn't it?
Well.. back to my story.. So the next person to answer the question "Are you moral?" gave a different response. He said, "It depends." Because different people have different values, beliefs, opinions.. that, what may be moral to me, may be considered horribly immoral to you.
So maybe.. in that sense.. isn't everyone moral in their own way? Wouldn't everyone consider themselves moral in relation to their own beliefs and values?
Am I moral?
I don't know.. I'm getting conflicting messages.. And I'm starting to second-guess some of my past decisions. I guess I'm talking more specifically in regard to sexual promiscuity. That's a very immoral thing, right? Well, shit, I was taught to only have sex with the person I marry or I'm going to hell. And you can only marry once, because God doesn't recognize divorce.
But now.. to some.. I might be considered a slut. Lots of people around me have slept with a good number of people. Especially when you consider that I hang around more guys than girls. So I get the message that I'm fine, not doing anything wrong, it's normal. But then when I think back to old friends I grew up with.. One friend might have slept with 3 or 4 at the most, and she's done and married. Another might have slept with only one boy in her lifetime. And still a third might still be a virgin. So who am I to have slept with as many as I have..?
Am I moral..? I don't know.. But I kinda don't think I am. I've been cold, I've been heartless, I've slept around, I've been sneaky, I've done things in a round-about, questionable way just to get what I want, and my intentions and thoughts haven't always been good. So.. I kinda do feel like my loneliness and isolation is a sentence for all my evil and immoral thoughts and deeds.
If there is a hell, I'm already in it.
...
Oh, who am I kidding? ..and debauchery is my heaven.