bullshitting before i start to study..
well, it's not bullshitting to me. it's important stuff to me. to me.. life - and the study of my life - is always more important. just like.. grabbing an opportunity to talk with a perfect stranger instead of going back to work.. that's also more important. i was experimenting, practicing, studying. paying attention to how i react to this person. more importantly, paying attention to how this person reacted to me. because that's the big part. watching that. i'm always afraid and so nervous about my part, how I should be reacting. should. there's another word. how i'm "supposed to" react. i'm always so concerned with that, that i barely have a chance to really.... i dunno, but it's like i'm trying to have a conversation, bracing myself with my eyes squinted shut, and preparing for the worst.
"please don't let it hurt. let's hurry up and get this over with."
but no... no, no, no.
Twenty-two and I'm just now learning how to socially interact with people.
My counseling session today was a bit unsettling. I don't know why it's so painful to get. things. out. I felt so weird when the hour was up. Just.. walking around in an agitated daze. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But mostly I felt like crumpling up and falling over. Standing was too much work. My body felt limp. When I got back to work, my co-worker asked me if I was okay. And, of course, I mustered a very faint, "yeah, I'm fine." But then I had to go outside for a breather just fifteen minutes later.
It was just weird. I felt confused. All jumbled up. Someone shook me up in a box, and when I got out, I couldn't figure out which end was up.
Eventually, it passed. And then I was in a very good mood. Very relaxed. Kooky, even. Everything was a game, and I was having fun. Smooth, and choreographed. Flowing.
or something.
and i ran into two people today who've been trying to get me to hang out with them. busy this weekend, i told them. have to help him move. but soon. i like that i have people to hang with. it makes me smile when i think of it.
soon enough, danielle.
LJ