i've been listening to an album [darkest days] the past coupla days that used to epitomize exactly how i used to feel.
this could be a dangerous activity to partake in, but.. on the other hand.. i want to make sure that my emotional wellness is real. nothing fake. i want to be sure that my inner peace isn't just some kind of blanket or denial of the pain and inner turmoil i used to live and struggle with.
it's an experiment of sorts. research. just how well is dani? can she still be well when she tries to remember how she used to be?
i know depression has its attractive qualities. i know what it is to be in love with your sadness. it makes it all the harder, fighting against what you want. or something like that..
and the thing about depression.. listening and remembering how i used to feel.. there is such an intensity and urgency to it. and it's beautiful but sickening. it gives you a sense of purpose, even though you may be lamenting over the fact that you feel you don't have any purpose in the first place.
i like testing myself.
and the verdict..? i can remember how i used to think. the thought processes that went into it. but i can't feel the lyrics so much anymore. and i asked myself if i should feel sad about this.. have i lost some feeling in the process of getting myself well..? because that, in itself, would be a horrible, horrible thing.
right?
well, but.. to replace the feelings that would torment and rage inside.. instead i have this inner calm that i am absolutely in love with.
how can i hold on..
with nothing to hold on to?
why should i hold on..
when there's nothing to hold on to..?
yeah, i knew that. to the core. i felt my soul crying out those pleas. filled with emptiness. and hopelessness. and.. abandonment. twisting and wrenching inside.
but it's not like that anymore.
because, uhm. i decided not to abandon myself anymore. i, uh.. didn't want to hate myself anymore. i realized i had the power to turn it all around. i fostered a good relationship with myself.. and.. me, myself and i, we're doing great. i'm so much more in control. and.. i can be happy all by myself.
i have myself. to hold on to. and there is something so fucking comforting in that.
what was it..? "peace is happiness digesting"..? i think that's what it was..
i dunno. i'm not saying all this right.
it sounded so much better in the shower.
time to find something else to listen to.
[i can save myself]
LJ