I shiver.
Is it because I'm cold..?
..or is it something else..?
*shrug* I'm reminded now of one time I was shivering while talking to K, a friend of d's, online.. I forget why now, or what we were talking about.. but I only remember that I was shivering as I was "chatting" with her.. I was a very jealous girlfriend.. heh.. I'll admit that now. I wouldn't be anymore.. I've learned to let go a little.. But.. I shiver sometimes.. recurrent shivering.. I know it happens sometimes when I shed some skin.. but I'm not shedding any skin right now, am I..? In fact, I've been safely tucked away in several layers of skin lately.. my own little shell.. It's getting hard for people to hear me as I'm buried deep in here.. Yeah. I was noticing that today. I need to break some shell.
Mmm.. another time I shivered.. in sixth grade.. Mrs. Pano, the teacher, had us do this exercise where she would have 3 or 4 people stand up at the front of the room and the rest of the class would say nice things about them.. When it got to me.. well.. the only compliment that I remembered was Patrick Newbill [my biggest crush back then] raising his hand and saying that I draw people really well [I used to have this thing where I would constantly be drawing side profiles of ppl.. usually ppl I didn't know, tho.. they would be all over my notebooks and everything..] Well, this was quite a compliment coming from the person considered to be the best artist in the class.. A bunch of other people said stuff, too, but it all became a blur. The only thing I remember is my lower lip and my jaw starting to quiver uncontrollably. Why? I don't know.. I even tried to hold my hand up to my chin to try to make it stop. I wasn't used to compliments. I'm still not. Give me a compliment and I will mostly likely flash a smile and a "thanks" and try to brush it off.. "Okay, next order of business..."
But I'm still shivering.. It's not cold..
Mm..
I think I could feel love again today.. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it does exist. I was walking behind a couple in the mall today.. and I saw them clasp an arm around each other as they walked.. and I could feel it this time.. I been thinking lately.. damn.. how awesome it was to love someone so much.. that you can't get enough of that person.. and you have to squeeze the life out of them every chance you get.. And the simplest littlest thing.. like his pinky.. could be so beautiful and so amazing to you.. He used to hate it when I would hold his pinky.. [heh. was it his pinky..? i think so..] But.. heh.. all gone now.. and life seems so empty..
Lucky him.. that he got to just slide right over to someone else he can love..
I'm still shivering.. make it stop..
.
I am still afraid to show you who I am...
.
[do you know how far this has gone/ just how damaged have i become/ when i think i can overcome/ it runs even deeper...]
.
[all i do.. i can still feel you.. numb all through.. i can still feel you... ]
LJ