I just called to say I love you/ I just called to say how much I care/ I just called to say I love you/ And I mean it from the bottom of my heart...
I think that.. I would like to feel love again. I miss that driving force to get me up in the morning.. and make me feel happy about my life.. I miss having something to look forward to.. I miss being close like that with another human being.. The thing about me.. that I probably shouldn't be admitting, but it's true.. and it's something that Dan really hated about me.. is.. I'm not happy unless I'm living for someone else.. I hold very little value for myself. Heh. So I guess I clung a little too hard to Dan. I needed him to make me feel whole.. and happy.. But it took too much out of him.. :/ All I want is someone I can worship.. and that person can worship me.. Heh. We can worship each other.. What's wrong with that..?
*shrug*
But.. however.. I am soooo afraid to let myself love anyone again. I'm afraid of becoming attached.. and I'm afraid of opening myself up to the hurt again.. I just can't do it. So.. I've noticed.. I've been subconsciously enabling myself to become very detached from everyone.. This is something that I do.. I hate it, but it happens from time to time. I don't want to feel a certain emotion.. so in attempt to bottle that one up, I end up blocking all others as well. As a result, I feel very numb. Like.. I want to cry right now.. 'cuz everything feels all messy and tangled up right now inside [kinda like the state of my room at the moment. heh.].. I want to shed it all.. smooth it all out.. clear it up.. peel away these protective, numbing layers.. so I can feel again.. and feel alive.. feel happy... But.. I don't know what I can do.. I'm in need of an emotional catharsis.. or.. an emotional enima..? Not even typing in this diary is as releasing as it used to be.. I need to get this junk out..
I need to do this. I need to do that. There are so many things I keep telling myself I need to do. I need to clean my room. I need to exersize. I need to start eating right. I need to start reading again. I need to get caught up in my classes. I need to call Jennie. I need to write my grandparents. I need to buy some 1 cent stamps. I need to paint my toenails. I need to wash my face. I need to get another job. I need to talk more. I need to be more outgoing. I need to get involved. I need to send Angela Jackson some flyers and newspapers. I need to order some checks. I need to make an appointment for my bloodwork. I need to write Chris back. I need to write Klara, see if she's still alive. I need to stop procrastinating. I NEED TO SHUT UP!! All this stuff I keep telling myself I need to do.. WHEN am I gonna starting doing???
LJ