I have a confession to make.
I have been hiding.
I haven't been updating much at all, and the past few entries I did put in are hardly real, they hardly get down to the pit of my emotion, which was the purpose of having this diary. Part of it is because I hardly get time to myself to sit at a computer and update. I can't write with someone looking over my shoulder, not even if someone else is in the same room with me. I need to be alone in order to truly express myself in this way. And I miss having that. A room to myself. A computer to myself. A stereo to myself.
*shrug*
My new life has its ups and downs. And from this point, it looks like it will only get better in the future. I am with someone that I love more and more each day. Sometimes it feels very unreal since this all happened so fast and often I really have no idea what I am doing. It doesn't help that I still have unresolved feelings for my ex. I can only hope that with each day I love this new person more, that I'll love my ex less. I know that's what my ex would want. So.. that's something I'm working on.. I have to let go.. as much as, and I can't lie, I don't want to.. I look back and I see a whirlwind of a very intense relationship, one that was everything I ever dreamed of, the best friend I ever had, the deepest connection I ever made with another human being, someone from whom I learned so much, someone I cherished more than anything, who I would've done anything for.. He was my life.. I breathed him, I worshiped him, I wanted to grow old with him..
But enough of this. I have to let go.
I am advised that this is a new love, a different love.. Things will be different. I must have patience.. and let it grow..
So.. that's what I'm doing..
Eh.. Yes, this is a sappy entry. But this is something that I need to let out. It's something I'm dealing with at the moment.
*sigh* I struggle. And I hide in my struggle..
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again.