Why is it whenever I need him most, he isn�t there for me emotionally..? I feel such a profound loneliness right now, and I don�t know what to do about it. I just need him to love me, pay attention to me, hold me tight, kiss me softly.. I yearn and crave those things. And it�s when he can�t respond with that and I need it so much that I feel so god-damn worthless. I don�t feel I�m a being worthy of love and devotion. When I was with my ex, my emotional needs were cared for so delicately and thoroughly.. he did everything he possibly could. But with my boyfriend now.. I�m on my own. My emotional well-being is solely up to me, and for the most part I deal with that just fine. But sometimes I really need his affection.. and, like this time.. he can�t give it to me. I�m left all alone. I feel more like I�m dealing with a child rather than my supposed partner in life. He�s so.. careless with my emotions.. Is this something I really want for the rest of my life..? It�s a frightening question to ask, but it�s a very pertinent one.
Unhappiness leads to more unhappiness. If things aren�t changed.
It�s all �having fun� with him. But I need infinitely more than that if I am ever to be satisfied�
I cry and it doesn�t daunt him. Sometimes he�ll laugh, taunt me, make fun of me. When I cried with my ex, he would cry with me. He was so sensitive. He was caring. It was like he actually felt my pain. And he would make me spit out what was wrong.. and he would be responsive to the things I said..
I could say more, but I�ll stop here because I know my boyfriend would be taking all this the wrong way. He�ll probably get very defensive and threaten me again with either him leaving, or telling me to leave. I know, also, that I shouldn�t be comparing with my ex.. but I�d be lying if I said I didn�t miss the kind of nourishment he offered me. At any rate, my boyfriend will tell me that I don�t love him, when nothing could be further from the truth. There are so many things I do love about him and that I try telling him about often. But.. I want to be able to talk to him. I want us to be able to confront anything between us. I am in pain from his negligence and I don�t know what to do about it. Yes, I know I am a bit hormonal right now, and he�s so ready to dismiss me needing him as a result of simple hormones. But even when I�m not like this, what in the world is wrong with hoping that, instead of me always closing in on him and starting to kiss him.. that, instead, I could, for once, have his beautiful face drawer nearer and nearer to mine, approaching me with a deep, soft, sweet, and very sensual kiss..
I�m starting trouble by posting this. But I can�t be happy if I don�t.